They Can Become Dangerous

It has been six years since Hero left. I thought I would never recover--emotionally, spiritually, financially--yet I have. And you will too, it just takes time.

A word of caution--I have always told people that my Hero was not dangerous, he was just disturbed. People thought that I should be afraid of him, but I just said, Bah--not of him.

I am still not afraid, however I am just lucky that I am not in danger from him, He moved to another state and basically lacks the means to travel here. I still don't think I have anything to fear from him.

All the advice I've found from others is to have "no contact". I foolishly have ignored that and have maintained contact. This is partly because I still have a loan in my name for him and I have to make sure that he pays it. Currently, he is not paying it and I have been forced to make the payments for him, so as to preserve my credit.

The payment is not large and it is really pathetic that he cannot make it, as this is for the trailer that he lives in. This is his home, his rent and still he cannot pay. It's also possible that he has manipulated me into THINKING that he cannot pay, he knows that I will do anything to preserve my good credit; therefore he has conned me into paying it for him.

Regardless, I have to constantly be in contact with him, seeing if he will pay, trying to inspire him to pay, etc.

Because of this contact, I have been keeping up with him and his activities. And this, ladies, is why everyone recommends "no contact."

Besides being sickened by the mess he has created for himself in his new situation, I am forced into being aware of his deeds.

What follows is a sickening story, please be forewarned.

I learned a couple of years ago that he had obtained a dog, and I was nervous about that. I don't trust him to take care of anything but himself. And sadly, recently I was reminded very clearly how very right I was.

I had made a call to him, trying to find out if he was almost ready to resume making the trailer payments himself. I was going to discuss with him the possibility of selling the trailer and using the money to pay off the loan, and the extra money to help him in getting back on his feet.

Not that getting back on his feet will help anything except me (getting out from underneath that *%#$! trailer) because he will use up all the money and quickly be in trouble again. But at that point, it won't be my problem! Which is my end goal, of course. I live for the day when his troubles will no longer be mine.

Perhaps the timing of my call was unfortunate--for him and for me--but he told me this ungodly tale. I asked him how things were going. He said, not well. I asked him, oh no, what has happened now. He told me that he had to put his dog down yesterday.

I instantly went into sympathy mode, oh no, how sad...thinking that perhaps she had escaped and been hit by a car, or something. But the tale he told me made my blood run cold.

I will spare you the details, but essentially he beat his beloved dog to death with a sledge hammer. He said, "I had to do it, I had to do something right then, I did not have my pistol, so I used a sledge hammer."

Horror filled my heart. I did not try to argue with him, though I could immediately see other options. He didn't HAVE to do anything. I saw that he had flown into a rage and killed his best friend.

I told him, how sad, then I hung up the phone and cried the rest of the day. That night I sent him a text, telling them that I hoped by now he could see that he didn't HAVE to do that. I pointed out that he had flown into a rage and killed his best friend, in particularly brutal fashion. I told him I was sad that he was in such a dark place that he could do such a thing. I told him I was sad that he was in a dark place now trying to live with the result.

I decided to let him chew on that for a bit. The next time I was able to get in touch with him was a few days later. He had gone off on a horse ride with the 4H club, carefree as a bird, on a camp out.

I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, you see. I thought that he would realize that he had done a terrible thing and that he would be sorry. WRONG!! He had NO remorse whatsoever. He claimed again that he HAD to do it. He told me that I didn't understand the situation, the history, the circumstances and that I didn't know anything about it and "I REFUSE TO DISCUSS IT."

That's when I knew....he had crossed over from sociopath to firmly in the psychopath realm.

NO REMORSE. At all. He had placed this barbaric act, perpetrated by him and no other, neatly into a package in his mind and he had washed his hands of it.

I was actually astonished, though I should not have been. Like other deeds done by him, he compartmentalizes them in his convoluted brain. He stores them in his "Dead Zone" where they cannot hurt him.

I thought that this violent act was extreme, even for him, and that THIS he would feel. But I was wrong.

After that last conversation, I decided to contact the authorities in his area. I had a lengthy conversation with two animal control officers in his area (we were trying to decide who had jurisdiction).

There were witnesses to his deed, but I didn't know how to contact them. I described the area where the murder occurred but could not pinpoint it exactly. He told me that they had buried her, but I suspect they wrapped her and disposed of her in the trash.

So, I could file a complaint, I know that they believed me, but without any evidence--which would be difficult to come by--there was little they could do besides do a walk and talk (go and talk to him).

They said, if he confesses, then...... Ha! We all know that is not going to happen. So I have to live with knowing this and do nothing about it.

My point is....you don't know if your N is dangerous. Even if you think he is not, like I did, you could be very wrong.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a brain-based disease, there is no doubt in my mind. And with what I know and have observed first-hand about mental illness (if you have read other areas of this blog, my two brothers and father were afflicted with mental illness and I saw them deteriorate over time, until each of them took their own lives), it worsens over time.

Hero's brain is continuing to deteriorate, his illness has gotten worse, and he is capable of worse things.

Be careful! And if you are still with your N, know that he will not change, he cannot. He can't change any more than my brother could be told he was not dating Paula Abdul (she, along with Brooke Shields, was his girlfriend--in his mind, and he could not be told otherwise), or any more than a person with cancer can be told to stop being sick.

Not only that....eventually, all relationships that an N has will become no longer beneficial to the N. You've all seen it happen. You became of no consequence to him, you are an annoyance to him, you no longer feed his hunger, no longer feed whatever sustains him. You are now disposable. He can swat you away like you are nothing but a fly.

This is what Hero did to his dog. It no longer satisfied him to have a dog. She had become too much of a bother. And, this thought crossed my mind, he would not have been able to bring her along on his three-day outing with the 4H club, so that would have posed a problem of what to do with her while he was gone.

Never underestimate the power and the sickness of an N.

This one's for you, Therma, you poor dog. You did not deserve that, you were nothing but a loyal companion to a monster. I wish I could avenge you, but he will pay when he gets to the other side.

Thank Goodness for the Internet!

There is so much to read about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, illustrated by personal stories, that you can quickly discover you are not alone. It is still a journey back to "sanity", but reading the stories of others helps tremendously. Oddly, they are all so similar.

Here is a wealth of information worth checking out:

https://openforest.net/
Open Forest offers mental health blog articles, mental health self-tests, and self-help courses written by PhDs for mental health conditions including ADD/ADHD, depression, stress and problem drinking, with more to follow soon.

It took me five years, but I finally feel free of the pain from my entanglement with an N and have recovered from the financial devastation he left behind as well. It doesn't always take that long; each individual recovers at his or her (mostly her!!) own pace.

I emerged stronger and wiser, and you will too. Just hang in there...

Thank Goodness for the Internet!

There is so much to read about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, illustrated by personal stories, that you can quickly discover you are not alone. It is still a journey back to "sanity", but reading the stories of others helps tremendously. Oddly, they are all so similar.

Here is a wealth of information worth checking out:

https://openforest.net/

It took me five years, but I finally feel free of the pain from my entanglement with an N and have recovered from the financial devastation he left behind as well. It doesn't always take that long; each individual recovers at his or her (mostly her!!) own pace.

I emerged stronger and wiser, and you will too. Just hang in there...

Gaslighting

gas·light

ˈɡaslīt/

verb

gerund or present participle: gaslighting

manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.

I came across this post and thought it was worth sharing:

IT HAPPENED TO ME: My Friends and I Were Gaslighted by Someone Close to Us

The Final Chapter

Take Back From a Bully.....that's what I called "Operation Truck Snatch". Astute readers will have noticed that I referred to this coup several years ago. It finally happened. I took his precious truck. I expected to feel some gloating, but I really just feel sad. Also relieved that the giant hammer is no longer hanging over my head.

Briefly, I married a narcissist. Things went downhill fast, although it took me three years to "diagnose" my Hero with NPD. By that time, I had multiple loans in my names, numerous things that I bought for "our" life together. I was completely trapped and clueless as to what to do.

I started this blog. It was intended as therapy for myself but oddly, people began to discover it and I was to discover that my situation was not unique. There were FAR too many women in the exact same boat as I (and some men--there ARE female Ns, just not as many, or fewer men who are willing to admit they married a monster).

Anyway, he was to eventually take off and along with him went all the toys we bought, mostly in my name. I had flat out bought a boat but allowed him to put the title in his name, thinking, what difference does it make, we're married?! Well, he took that too. He took it all and left me with the bills.

I will give him this--he continued to make the payments on the $50K truck. I had to do a lot of massaging, begging, cajoling, ass-kissing.....but he did it. He also made the payments on the 5th wheel trailer. These combined were over $1000/month. Had he not made them, I would have been sunk.

As it was, he allowed me to continue paying the insurance for both of them, he left $10K on one of my credit cards, he took off with the $5K boat, there was a $30K time share we bought together, with the expectation that he would pay for it, he caused an accident that cost me $5K, as I couldn't turn it into my insurance because he had no driver's license (I discovered that AFTER we bought the truck)!! I was screwed. This was a lot of money for a little seamstress and dog sitter. I don't make much money--I just work a lot.

But.....the truck was in my name. So I plotted. And waited. And prayed he wouldn't cause another accident.

It took three years but it finally was no longer upside down. Still I waited. Let's try to get a little bit of profit. My plan was to have the cops pull him over and impound the truck, since he was driving illegally--no driver's license--hello!! But, believe it or not, the cops in his state of residence said they didn't care about that. I couldn't get them to cooperate.

I was plotting how I could find a judge, enlist his help in convincing his officers to enforce the law when a better opportunity presented itself.

He started paying late. Then late again. Then really late. Messing up my credit and I was powerless to stop it. I contacted private investigators. They had an "in" with the local police and were going to convince them to come to the party, pull him over, impound the truck since he has no right to be on the road. They wanted $3K as a retainer to begin surveillance!

I was going to have to give it up. I was destroyed. All this planning, plotting, waiting.

All of a sudden I realized, NO. I'm not giving up! Whatever it costs, whatever it takes, someone has to take back from this bully! No one has ever taken back from him; he has gotten away with this bullshit his ENTIRE life, and he's now in his 50s. I swelled with power. I called the PIs and told them to go ahead, gave them my credit card information.

At the end of that day, I decided to try to enlist the help of the lien holder one last time. I had asked them before and they told me they couldn't begin repossession proceedings until he was at least 60 days past due, and he was only about 40 days.

For some reason, this time my agent said, "Let's do this." I was euphoric. It took two weeks, three agencies, countless people but they got it.

I was at my business networking meeting, on pins and needles, trying to concentrate on the meeting, because I knew the guys were out, looking for it. I got home from the meeting and the phone rang. It was Hero! I thought, oh boy, this is it. He never calls me.

He said, "They just came and repossessed my mother-fucking truck!". I said, "Oh dear, what a shame! When, where?"

The conversation progressed and went downhill from there. I shall spare you the details.

The point of this story is.....never give up. It's so easy to want to sleep, to be complacent, to let things happen. But I think it's important to stand up to these bullies. I really wish that more people would stand up. And I don't mean the poor, beaten-down wives. I mean the bosses, the co-workers, the family members, the friends of these guys who REFUSE to see this giant problem!

I begged, cried, wrote poignant letters to many of the family members of my Hero--not ONE of them responded. All I wanted was some moral support, support in standing up to him. His brother one time shouted at me, "I DON'T CARE!!!"

And almost without exception, the people who have written to me say the same thing. The families completely turn their backs on them. Deny their brother, son, friend, uncle has a problem, treat the wife like an outcast, like a bitch, like the one who created all the problems.

They ignore her when she needs help the most, when the marriage is dissolving and she is at the bottom of her self-esteem.

Unfortunately, the people reading this blog are the victims. The perps don't ever seek out information, the families of the perps don't seek out information. And the cycle repeats itself.

I was my Hero's FOURTH wife. Each of us, and his children, ran from him screaming. His marriages didn't dissolve, they exploded. Yet it was the wives. We're all crazy bitches, took all his money, stole his dreams. Are these people for real?! Four of us!! All with the same tale and they continue to deny that their son, brother, uncle has a terrible problem.

Anyway, Operation Truck Snatch was for all of you. Give yourself hope. Empower yourself. I will continue to wage the war on bullies, on these terribly disordered individuals. I will continue to spread the word. I have not given up on the book; however, I have not yet found the time to even begin. I have hundreds of pages of correspondence from women who have been there. My story is tame compared to some of the stories I have heard.

Once again, feel free to write to me directly: narcissismathome@gmail.com.

I try very hard to respond promptly. Sometimes it takes me a few days. 

How Time Flies!

Much of the work that happens on this blog takes place behind the scenes. I have hundreds of pages of correspondence with dozens, and approaching hundreds, of people who have experienced the exact same thing as I have, as all of you have.

It astonishes me that there are so many NPDs out there. It almost seems like an epidemic.

The correspondence is very sacred to me and I usually reply to everyone in a timely way. I'm trying to help people as much as I can. People who are in various stages of discovery from just realizing there is something wrong, to coming to the realization that the NPD with whom they are entangled CANNOT change, to people who are past it and have essentially erased the NPD from their life.

My intention is to organize this correspondence, edit it and post it on the blog so that everyone can benefit from the enormous insight that is found in these heart-wrenching letters.

But first, I must contact each person, obtain permission, edit out names and places and any other identifying information. It's a huge task and one I should have done from the very beginning.

I have learned so much from all of you who have responded and have many great ideas for the book. I have many efforts going on simultaneously and can only give so much to each one.

So, the project is not forgotten -- it's just going to take a long time....

In the meantime, keep the correspondence coming, or post to the blog so that your pain is not in vain.

Also, I really think that writing about your experience is beneficial to YOU. It helps you to make sense of what happened and it helps to be disgorging the information to people who KNOW what you have been through and can empathize, something we know our NPDs cannot do!

Correspondence and a live discussion....

We are marching along and you are not alone.....I have corresponded with dozens of women (mostly women) who have lived this exact same story, as if these guys take the same page out of the same book: "How to Be the Worst Husband Ever" or something.

I am working on editing all this correspondence, taking out names, places, anything that can identify people in preparation for posting on this blog. Then I need to seek permission from each person before posting. There are so many stories that I know you'll be able to identify with, some insights that you may not have thought of and more. It's a long project and I can only work on it in cracks of time. But it's happening.

Here is a link to a live panel segment I participated in Live on Huffington Post, a segment on lying. I was trying to speak for you all. I am not the best at this, I tend to write better than I speak, but here it is.

I think that awareness is growing about this disorder and other personality disorders, which means we are making progress. One of my goals is to write a pamphlet for SCHOOLS. We have sex-education in schools, while not pre-marital education?!

Writing the pamphlet is only the first step. Then we must get it into schools. Then we must get young girls to believe......but one step at a time....