His Point of View, From my Perspective
I believe it is only fair to explore my own perverse characteristics that most likely contributed to this mess I find myself in. Are there qualities that attract a predator? I think there probably are and that's one avenue I wish to explore as I begin the "writing a book" process. I haven't found any people to interview yet, but I'm not going to worry about that right now. I guess I'm seeking to clarify things in my own mind and writing about it, even if I'm writing to myself, is what I will call therapy for myself.
I've been "frozen" for quite some time. I knew that this story wasn't going to have a happy ending, yet I felt powerless to do anything about it. I was a deer, frozen in the headlights.
I was vacillating between feeling that I needed to stay with him and knowing that I had to get out, at any cost. I couldn't make myself ACT! I can't pinpoint the exact moment when that changed, but I finally had made the decision to get out and I found myself able to "do".
I have read many stories of people in my same situation and they are the same: the chronic lying, belittling, flying into a rage at any real or imagined slight, no empathy, extreme selfishness and much more. And the feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, resulting from being subjected to these abusive behaviors.
What I haven't found is a common thread in the people who became "victims", and it may be that there isn't one.
I know in my situation, I had gotten myself vulnerable, perfectly primed for a hostile takeover.
I knew that he was powerful, but I looked forward to the challenge of going head-to-head with him, struggling for dominance. I am a domineering person, an unattractive trait, I know, and I've always known I needed a strong man, one who would not submit to my attempts to control him.
Well I found that man! Unfortunately, he succeeded in dominating me, and I never thought that could happen. I should say that he dominated my life, he has not and will not succeed in dominating me. He came close to crushing my spirit and convincing me that I was the crazy one, but I escaped in time.
So, I am domineering, have control issues, am very opinionated. In fact I'm right all the time, as in 100%, unless proven wrong, which is only about 1%. Not very nice and that didn't work well with his personality because a narcissist cannot ever be challenged. I challenged him much too often, and sometimes about things that weren't important enough to risk creating an argument. I never won an argument, and that doesn't work well for me.
I told him before we were wed, on the very first date, that I thought honesty was one of the most important things between two people and he agreed. Imagine my consternation when I figured out that he lied frighteningly easily. It took me a long time to figure out that he didn't think he was lying. He would become very angry if I questioned anything he said because of this.
I wrote him many letters, trying to reach him. We could never, ever have a discussion and that, I think, was largely my fault. I didn't approach him with enough sensitivity (although I tried). I approached him instead with accusation. And that will never fly with a narcissist. So most "discussions" I attempted to have ended up with him bellowing about what a b......... I was, he couldn't take it any more and he would move out, literally.
I took to writing him letters. I can be much more diplomatic that way, but I still failed to reach him.
I finally, finally realized that he could not be reached and I began to search myself to see if I could accept him the way he was, warts and all. It was a struggle. I knew that I would be dishonoring myself by deciding to live with him but I felt I lacked the energy to break away. I also wasn't doing him any favors, because I was swiftly losing respect for him. I tried to hide that fact but I know it squeaked out and he sensed it.
I was starting to realize that while I could love him and care about him as a person, I couldn't really love him. I will always care about him, worry about him but I can't live a farce anymore.
He tells me that he loves me but I know that he doesn't really know what love is, he's incapable of it. And I am sad for him, and myself also. I had such high hopes for us!
A narcissist is a parasite, has no more awareness of the damage he is causing than an aphid sucking the life out of its plant host. The aphid simply moves on to another plant when all the "juice" is gone out of its current living situation. And that is what a narcissist does also--he discards his victim when there's no more to be had and moves on to the next.
I've done a vast amount of reading and researching this disorder. The people who have fallen prey to a narcissist are PISSED OFF and I am no exception. I have to really strive to defuse my anger because I know that anger will get me nowhere. I'm currently trying to channel my anger into an accomplishment: finding others, writing about our experiences and hopefully reaching others BEFORE they become victims.
It is a daunting task because I fear that I won't be able to reach and warn others because most likely the only people seeking out this type of information have already been had! I actually was warned off this guy and I chose not to believe it. I was told by a very good source (one of his ex-wives--yes he had several and HELLO, that was another big red flag) that he would look you in the eye and LIE! How could I not take serious pause at that? I rationalized it away, I thought she was confused and bitter, maybe jealous.
I was also told by someone previously close to him to RUN! Run away from him right now because he will break your heart! And this was someone who would know. I laughed it off--he won't break MY heart.
Stupid, stupid, stupid but I have paid dearly for my failure to heed the warnings. And I guess that comes down to arrogance. Yes, my own arrogance, another unattractive trait. I think I know better than everyone else, I think I am stronger than those before me and I think I can succeed where others have failed. I have made that mistake before and shame on me for not learning that lesson.
In conclusion, I do think there are qualities in a person that might make them more susceptible to being taken advantage of by one of these vampires. There were things I did, red flags I ignored, that contributed to my undoing.
I also participated willingly, if not gleefully, in the financial decisions that have contributed to my downfall. If he would have been more responsible with the money he was earning, I could have still made that work, but he was like a demon with money and I was the last to get paid. That I could do nothing about, and believe me, I tried.
I think I have succeeded in therapeuting myself (I don't think that's a word but it is now because you know what I mean). I still need followers and people to interview. I know I sound like a blabbermouth, spewing my problems for all to see, but I promise to be sensitive with YOUR information.
I AM going to write a book. I can't promise that it will be published but I will do my very best to figure out how to market my efforts. I may use a pen name myself but I will certainly change all names and identifying details to protect the innocent and not so innocent.
Thank you for your interest and please leave me a comment so I can respond to you.