Sunday, July 3, 2016


gerund or present participle: gaslighting
manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.

I came across this post and thought it was worth sharing:

IT HAPPENED TO ME: My Friends and I Were Gaslighted by Someone Close to Us

Sunday, November 9, 2014

The Final Chapter

Take Back From a Bully.....that's what I called "Operation Truck Snatch". Astute readers will have noticed that I referred to this coup several years ago. It finally happened. I took his precious truck. I expected to feel some gloating, but I really just feel sad. Also relieved that the giant hammer is no longer hanging over my head.

Briefly, I married a narcissist. Things went downhill fast, although it took me three years to "diagnose" my Hero with NPD. By that time, I had multiple loans in my names, numerous things that I bought for "our" life together. I was completely trapped and clueless as to what to do.

I started this blog. It was intended as therapy for myself but oddly, people began to discover it and I was to discover that my situation was not unique. There were FAR too many women in the exact same boat as I (and some men--there ARE female Ns, just not as many, or fewer men who are willing to admit they married a monster).

Anyway, he was to eventually take off and along with him went all the toys we bought, mostly in my name. I had flat out bought a boat but allowed him to put the title in his name, thinking, what difference does it make, we're married?! Well, he took that too. He took it all and left me with the bills.

I will give him this--he continued to make the payments on the $50K truck. I had to do a lot of massaging, begging, cajoling, ass-kissing.....but he did it. He also made the payments on the 5th wheel trailer. These combined were over $1000/month. Had he not made them, I would have been sunk.

As it was, he allowed me to continue paying the insurance for both of them, he left $10K on one of my credit cards, he took off with the $5K boat, there was a $30K time share we bought together, with the expectation that he would pay for it, he caused an accident that cost me $5K, as I couldn't turn it into my insurance because he had no driver's license (I discovered that AFTER we bought the truck)!! I was screwed. This was a lot of money for a little seamstress and dog sitter. I don't make much money--I just work a lot.

But.....the truck was in my name. So I plotted. And waited. And prayed he wouldn't cause another accident.

It took three years but it finally was no longer upside down. Still I waited. Let's try to get a little bit of profit. My plan was to have the cops pull him over and impound the truck, since he was driving illegally--no driver's license--hello!! But, believe it or not, the cops in his state of residence said they didn't care about that. I couldn't get them to cooperate.

I was plotting how I could find a judge, enlist his help in convincing his officers to enforce the law when a better opportunity presented itself.

He started paying late. Then late again. Then really late. Messing up my credit and I was powerless to stop it. I contacted private investigators. They had an "in" with the local police and were going to convince them to come to the party, pull him over, impound the truck since he has no right to be on the road. They wanted $3K as a retainer to begin surveillance!

I was going to have to give it up. I was destroyed. All this planning, plotting, waiting.

All of a sudden I realized, NO. I'm not giving up! Whatever it costs, whatever it takes, someone has to take back from this bully! No one has ever taken back from him; he has gotten away with this bullshit his ENTIRE life, and he's now in his 50s. I swelled with power. I called the PIs and told them to go ahead, gave them my credit card information.

At the end of that day, I decided to try to enlist the help of the lien holder one last time. I had asked them before and they told me they couldn't begin repossession proceedings until he was at least 60 days past due, and he was only about 40 days.

For some reason, this time my agent said, "Let's do this." I was euphoric. It took two weeks, three agencies, countless people but they got it.

I was at my business networking meeting, on pins and needles, trying to concentrate on the meeting, because I knew the guys were out, looking for it. I got home from the meeting and the phone rang. It was Hero! I thought, oh boy, this is it. He never calls me.

He said, "They just came and repossessed my mother-fucking truck!". I said, "Oh dear, what a shame! When, where?"

The conversation progressed and went downhill from there. I shall spare you the details.

The point of this story is.....never give up. It's so easy to want to sleep, to be complacent, to let things happen. But I think it's important to stand up to these bullies. I really wish that more people would stand up. And I don't mean the poor, beaten-down wives. I mean the bosses, the co-workers, the family members, the friends of these guys who REFUSE to see this giant problem!

I begged, cried, wrote poignant letters to many of the family members of my Hero--not ONE of them responded. All I wanted was some moral support, support in standing up to him. His brother one time shouted at me, "I DON'T CARE!!!"

And almost without exception, the people who have written to me say the same thing. The families completely turn their backs on them. Deny their brother, son, friend, uncle has a problem, treat the wife like an outcast, like a bitch, like the one who created all the problems.

They ignore her when she needs help the most, when the marriage is dissolving and she is at the bottom of her self-esteem.

Unfortunately, the people reading this blog are the victims. The perps don't ever seek out information, the families of the perps don't seek out information. And the cycle repeats itself.

I was my Hero's FOURTH wife. Each of us, and his children, ran from him screaming. His marriages didn't dissolve, they exploded. Yet it was the wives. We're all crazy bitches, took all his money, stole his dreams. Are these people for real?! Four of us!! All with the same tale and they continue to deny that their son, brother, uncle has a terrible problem.

Anyway, Operation Truck Snatch was for all of you. Give yourself hope. Empower yourself. I will continue to wage the war on bullies, on these terribly disordered individuals. I will continue to spread the word. I have not given up on the book; however, I have not yet found the time to even begin. I have hundreds of pages of correspondence from women who have been there. My story is tame compared to some of the stories I have heard.

Once again, feel free to write to me directly:

I try very hard to respond promptly. Sometimes it takes me a few days. 

Monday, March 24, 2014

How Time Flies!

Much of the work that happens on this blog takes place behind the scenes. I have hundreds of pages of correspondence with dozens, and approaching hundreds, of people who have experienced the exact same thing as I have, as all of you have.

It astonishes me that there are so many NPDs out there. It almost seems like an epidemic.

The correspondence is very sacred to me and I usually reply to everyone in a timely way. I'm trying to help people as much as I can. People who are in various stages of discovery from just realizing there is something wrong, to coming to the realization that the NPD with whom they are entangled CANNOT change, to people who are past it and have essentially erased the NPD from their life.

My intention is to organize this correspondence, edit it and post it on the blog so that everyone can benefit from the enormous insight that is found in these heart-wrenching letters.

But first, I must contact each person, obtain permission, edit out names and places and any other identifying information. It's a huge task and one I should have done from the very beginning.

I have learned so much from all of you who have responded and have many great ideas for the book. I have many efforts going on simultaneously and can only give so much to each one.

So, the project is not forgotten -- it's just going to take a long time....

In the meantime, keep the correspondence coming, or post to the blog so that your pain is not in vain.

Also, I really think that writing about your experience is beneficial to YOU. It helps you to make sense of what happened and it helps to be disgorging the information to people who KNOW what you have been through and can empathize, something we know our NPDs cannot do!

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Correspondence and a live discussion....

We are marching along and you are not alone.....I have corresponded with dozens of women (mostly women) who have lived this exact same story, as if these guys take the same page out of the same book: "How to Be the Worst Husband Ever" or something.

I am working on editing all this correspondence, taking out names, places, anything that can identify people in preparation for posting on this blog. Then I need to seek permission from each person before posting. There are so many stories that I know you'll be able to identify with, some insights that you may not have thought of and more. It's a long project and I can only work on it in cracks of time. But it's happening.

Here is a link to a live panel segment I participated in Live on Huffington Post, a segment on lying. I was trying to speak for you all. I am not the best at this, I tend to write better than I speak, but here it is.

I think that awareness is growing about this disorder and other personality disorders, which means we are making progress. One of my goals is to write a pamphlet for SCHOOLS. We have sex-education in schools, while not pre-marital education?!

Writing the pamphlet is only the first step. Then we must get it into schools. Then we must get young girls to believe......but one step at a time....

Friday, April 12, 2013

....and "The Rest of the Story".....

Wow, I am about a zillion years older than when I started this blog two years ago. But I'm also many, many years wiser. And here is the rest of the story......

For those just tuning in, I married a narcissist and I have spelled out the story of life with him. When I began this blog, we were still married and living together. For this writing, I refer to him as "Hero".

Once I "diagnosed" him, I decided that being equipped with knowledge was all I needed in order to "manage" him and our lives together. Wrong!

As time went on, I became very certain that my story was not going to have a happy ending but I truly did not know what to do. I felt completely trapped and defeated. I became mouse-like, did not argue, let him do whatever he wanted, did not complain that he was not contributing financially, etc.

He told me that he needed to "keep all his money because he was working on some things to secure our future". I was grateful that he at least was paying the loan payments on the truck and the trailer--two very large loans that were in my name. I wanted to get rid of him; after all, he was living in my house rent-free, not contributing, surly as hell and no fun at all. However, I was terrified that he would abandon the truck and the trailer and that would be over $1000 more per month that I would have to come up with and I knew that would sink me even faster than I was already sinking.

So I kept my mouth shut, about everything. Avoided any topics that could possibly start a fight. He was making several trips to another state at this time, supposedly to work but he never came back with any money, at least not for me. He said he was working on a big job that would pay off big later. Uh huh.

We did have one fight one night. I asked him when he was going to give me some money. And I also wanted to know how much it was going to be. I was expecting at least $1000 but he said something like $300. I made the mistake of saying, "That's it?" He says, "That's all you're gonna get", and I made the mistake of saying, "Why?" or some other stupid thing like that. Then he said, "Fine, I won't give you anything then." I must say I lost it. I called him every name in the book. I was so tired of having to treat him like a king when I had to take his bullshit like that.

You see, he was holding all the cards. He was the one who was going to make the kind of money that could pay for things like a $10,000 credit card bill (all his, in the name of his "business"), who could pay for the $50K truck and the $40K fancy 30-foot trailer, the $30K time share, etc. All these things I had entered into with him, loans in my name, with the expectation that he would pay. He knew that all this stuff was in my name and that there was no way I could earn enough to pay for it all. He had me over a barrel and he knew it. I was like a bug, pinned to the ground. squirming and praying for mercy.

So I let myself lose it. I was really at the end of my rope. I told him we had to get a divorce. He said fine, bring me the papers. I said I just happen to have some right here, I've had them for awhile. We signed the papers, which I had already drawn up. Myself, since I couldn't afford an attorney.

The next day, I told him I needed the money to file the divorce papers, it was $300 and I didn't have it. He said he would give it to me later. I said fine, I guess we can't get divorced then. I acted like I was rethinking the whole divorce thing. As soon as he left, I drove down the mountain and filed the papers!

I got the divorce decree in the mail about three weeks later. It was the only power I had. We were divorced and the son of a bitch didn't know it. We lived together another year after that.

I was still trying to live life as normally as possible so I tried to plan a camping trip for the summer. I have a disabled son and I signed him up for camp so that I could have a week free. I informed Hero of the dates. I cleaned the trailer and I wanted to take it camping, make it easy on myself. The date is getting closer and closer and Hero won't commit to the camping trip. He's resisting for some reason. I gave up and made my own plans. He was so incredibly nasty during this time. Making trips to Utah. Paying minimal amounts on my credit card (which I finally took away from him--the balance being about $9K, all his).

The date came close and he asked me what my plans were, who I was going camping with, who I was going to be "fucking". His words. I said I tried and tried to get you to go camping with me but instead I am going away by myself with my dog. He said, I won't be here when you get back from your "fucking" trip. I said, "Whatever". At this point, I knew I was never going to get any money out of him so I might as well get his miserable self out of my house.

He did leave. He took off with the trailer, the truck, the boat that I had bought early in the marriage that he was supposed to pay me for but never did, the generator that I bought, a computer that I had left him use along with the desk, and many, many other things. He kindly left for me the time share, which was costing me  hundreds of dollars every month that I couldn't afford and would never have time to use. He left me with the $9K on my credit card. He left me with making payments on the $5,000 accident he had caused, which I couldn't turn over to my insurance for many reasons which I shouldn't state publicly and he was gone, baby gone.

Remember, he'd been telling me that "he needed all his money for a big project he was working on to secure 'our' future"...... Uh huh. He secured a future, all right--his own! All those trips to Utah were spent setting himself up. I even learned that he gave his ex-wife money on one of those trips, yet he had no money to help his current "wife" (heh heh) with household expenses.

So now I was facing the moment of truth. Was I going to be able to continue to carry all this debt? I had been for a year anyway. But was he going to continue to pay the truck and trailer payments? It would be very easy for him to disappear with them, leaving me to deal with the payments, or repossession,  getting liens against my house, etc. I was so afraid. And I was completely drained. Living with him for four years sapped everything I had--financially, emotionally, spiritually. I felt like a dead person.

Well, he continued to make the payments. I have to give him credit for that. He graciously allowed me to continue making the insurance payments. And the credit card payments. And the payments for the accident he caused. I asked him to return the items he took that he shouldn't have. He said he would. Surprise, he hasn't. But he's making the payments on the truck and the trailer, combined $1100/month, enough to sink my overloaded battle ship if he stops. So again, I keep my mouth shut and be grateful for the crumbs he has left me with. But is anyone thinking what I'm thinking? Heh heh. Can't say it publicly......

I began investigating him to see if there was any way I could somehow force him to pay me what he owed me. Every day I was more sick to my stomach as to what I found. Almost every day I uncovered another atrocious thing that he had done in the short time he lived here. In short, he was conning many, many other people. He owed tens of thousands of dollars to over a dozen other victims. It was a nightmare. I could not believe this had been occurring, right under my very nose.

I contacted the FBI. I documented everything he had done, all the people he owed. all the people he had screwed over, the amounts. and nada. The FBI is not interested until you get over $2 million. A half mil doesn't mean squat. It was heart breaking. There was nothing I could do. I also learned that he'd had multiple lawsuits against him, and no one had ever recovered a dime. I may as well not even bother. He goes underground, under the radar, etc. No cash or assets anywhere to be found. Scum of the earth and this is who I married.

Please understand the power of the narcissist. He (or she) can get you to believe anything! I was not the only person he fooled. So many people thought he was the salt of the earth, bent over backwards to give, give, give--expecting to be rewarded with profits in return, and he screwed them royally. The feeling you get when you know you've been had is indescribable. If you've never been fooled, then lucky you. These guys are GOOD. My husband could charm the panties off a lesbian.

A few months after he left, I was served with divorce papers from an attorney in Utah. My darling "husband" was seeking half my assets! Did not say anything about division of debts but very clearly stated that he was entitled to half of MY assets, investment accounts, bank accounts, etc. This from the guy who entered the marriage with ABSOLUTELY NOTHING--NOT EVEN A FUCKING CAR!!!

Sorry, sometimes I get carried away.....Anyway, did I have fun with that document. I responded with a multi-page document, all legal, using legalese, did not use a lawyer, point by point refuting everything in his document. In addition, I wrote a lengthy letter, very civil, to his lawyer, with copies of all HIS bills, unpaid, that were still coming to my house (in the hundreds of thousands of dollars), a copy of the report I had created for the FBI, and a clear message that I hoped he collected his fee up-front because Hero left his last lawyer UNPAID, and I included a copy of that poor lawyer's bill. Yes, Hero fooled even a lawyer into working on his hopeless case (he lost--another judgement against Hero that will never get paid), and then he stiffed his lawyer! This guy's a gem.

Anyway, so all this to the divorce attorney, a copy of the pertinent documents also to the court. If I didn't respond by a certain date the documents stated that he would win by default. Half MY assets!

And the very last line of all these documents that I created, this legal document that I sent to the court and to his lawyer, said "By the way, we are already legally divorced in the State of Nevada" to which I attached a copy of the decree.

It took me several hours to create this document but it was worth it!

The moral of this story is: There will be no happy ending with your narcissist. He is going to screw you, it's just a matter of "How much?". He is going to destroy your sense of self, your self-esteem, possibly your finances, your heart, your mind, your soul.

I tried to keep mine as a pet. I really did. I thought that I could manage him once I knew what I was dealing with. I'm a very capable person. Not stupid. Not a genius but probably above-average intelligence. And this guy, who boasts an IQ of 80, if that--got me good. Fooled me completely. Took me to the cleaners. Played me like a violin.

My next post (and I swear I won't take two years to make it) will be more about the progress I've made within myself since the darkest cloud of my entire life was lifted (when he left). About what I've learned from the communications with so many people who've found this blog and took the time to email me.

Essentially my message is to you readers--most of you likely are victims of a narcissist which is why you are seeking information--that there is hope! You will heal. You will feel like a human again. You can create a healthy, happy life for yourself but the person you escaped from never will be able to. Take some wicked comfort in that......:)

Monday, February 7, 2011

How I got sucked in by a narcissist

It happened just like this: he swept me off my feet. I was older and wiser (I thought) than the average first-time bride, but he fooled me completely. We were married within two months of our first date, not enough time to properly "vet" him, as was his unintentional intention.

I say unintentional, because it is my belief that a truly narcissistic person does not know that he is. In my writings, I will use "he" because approximately 75% of narcissists are male and my experience is primarily with a male narcissist.

In my readings, I have found it is typical behavior for a narcissist to quickly propose love and marriage, before the "victim" can determine she is dealing with a predator.

By Mayo Clinic staff
Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
Narcissistic personality disorder is one of several types of personality disorders. Personality disorders are conditions in which people have traits that cause them to feel and behave in socially distressing ways, limiting their ability to function in relationships and in other areas of their life, such as work or school.

We were married much too quickly. As I said, I was swept off my feet. He was everything I wanted, and I waited 47 years for the perfect match. Perfect he was--too good to be true, which should have been my first clue. I was so ecstatically happy, I felt like the luckiest girl on earth.

We didn't have a honeymoon, another clue. We stayed at a hotel for one night, then drove on home (to my home, which was now our home). And the "honeymoon" was over, that fast.

The first weekend he spent drinking and glowering at the TV. I was horrified and so was my teenage daughter. She asked me what was wrong with him. I told her I thought we were looking at an alcoholic. If only it were that "simple".

The next weekend he had his first tantrum. Once again I was horrified and filled with disbelief. Where did my prince go? We'd only been married one week!

I had made it 30 years on my own, raised my own family (three children by myself--and yes, that is weird), bought my own house (in an expensive resort area), and did it all by working odd jobs from home: seamstress, babysitter, dog sitter, stock market investor, etc. I never made much money but I didn't have to pay for expensive child care and I was always home. My children learned what "working" meant and they learned not to clamor for my attention when I was working. They turned out very well, in part because they learned at a young age what it took to earn a living.

I was having a tough time when "my hero" came along. I actually had a friend staying with me, helping me financially, and he was helping me a lot. I shall call this friend "Bob". Then along came the man of my dreams! (whom I shall call "Hero")

I told him about my situation with Bob, that his help was very valuable to me and that I couldn't do anything to jeopardize it. I didn't think Bob would appreciate another man swooping in to take advantage of his largesse. I told Hero this, many times, and I impressed on him again and again that I wasn't in a position to lose this financial help at this time.

Hero assured me that he made lots of money, he still had money left from the sale of his previous business and that he had many, many assets. He was more than capable of taking care of me, even better than Bob was. He wanted me to tell Bob that we were becoming involved. I warned him that Bob might be uncomfortable with that and want to leave. Hero assured me once again that he was the man I needed, that he was the one who should be helping me financially because we were in love.

So I told Bob about Hero and as I feared, he wanted to move out. I pleaded with him to stay, assured him that he was welcome to stay and that we both wanted him to stay but he felt he would be in the way and he left.

Ok, Hero, pony up, I just lost my life line. I was to find out it wasn't going to be that easy--Hero was not going to be forthcoming with financial aid.

The weeks went by and I was getting into serious trouble. I started to gently pressure Hero to remind him that I had lost my financial help and that he needed to step up to the plate as promised.

He told me he had an idea and I was excited. But then he proposed that we marry! I was a bit flabbergasted but I thought that maybe he just needed the formality of marriage, that he was uncomfortable giving money to "just a girlfriend". So we wed, within a week.

And guess what? Still no money. I was getting really frantic by this time, wondering if I was going to have to sell my house. It had been three months since Bob left and he had been giving me $2500/month for room and board, a very generous amount. I was really getting into trouble without it.

I couldn't understand why this guy, my Hero, wasn't giving me any money. He made a killer salary and he had sold his business for $3 million a few years prior. He should have plenty of money and I was drowning here! Where was my husband?

Unfortunately, that was just the beginning of the lies. I was to find out that he had no money, he made nowhere near what he said he did, he was not the high-powered executive at his company like he claimed he was, he was not entitled to the company car (he just stole one every night, after hours--went to the bar for a couple hours and drove home drunk; got to work early the next day {by 4 am or so}, and no one was the wiser).

He had no vehicle, no driver's license, no assets of any kind and I was in big trouble. Then he lost his job. I had to buy him a car so that he could find work. I put it on my credit card.

Two long months went by. He finally found work as a diesel mechanic and was pulling in the big bucks. Now, I thought, everything will be OK. He's giving me piles of money.

Because he's having to commute 70 miles each way to work, he needs a better vehicle. He needs a top-of-the-line Dodge Ram diesel but now's a good time to buy because there is 0% financing. That makes sense to me and he is making plenty of money. He promises me he will go right away and get his driver's license, something I have been nagging him to do. How can someone not have a driver's license?

We get to the car dealership and they tell us we need to co-borrow the money (I had set everything up by phone, all we had to do was go in there, sign papers and pick it up). I really didn't want my name anywhere on his loan. Then they tell me we'll get a better interest rate if we leave his name off the loan. What about 0% financing? We don't qualify for that but if we leave Hero's name off this loan, we'll get you a good rate.

We got 7% for 8 years. I must have been out of my mind. Here's a guy driving a truck in my name, with my insurance, with a commitment for 8 years, and he has no driver's license. Get to the DMV and get your driver's license!! I'm beginning to get a little pissed about this because I am now realizing that I am taking a big risk by having a non-licensed driver (read, non-insurable) driving MY truck.

A month at least goes by and still no driver's license. I'm also realizing that even though he's making piles of money and giving me anywhere from $8000 to $10,000 a month, I'm still working just as hard and barely keeping up. I should be swimming in the riches! I should be living in the lap of luxury with that kind of money.

So I do some financial analysis and then I understand. I try to tell Hero that while he gave me $10,000 this month, I paid out $16,000, which means he gave me nothing. You gave me $10K, but you spent $10K, and I still paid $6K for the household expenses, which I have already told you is too much for me.

Now I get called names--foul, filthy names; and I'm told I'm effing crazy, I didn't spend that much money, you took it all, you effing crazy effing b.........., etc. I'm horrified! I had never in my life been treated that way. And I was still assuming most, if not all, of the household expense. I kept thinking longingly of Bob, who had been truly helping me and was happy to do so, and I threw him away. Perhaps I was getting what I deserved.

So I moved on to the driver's license. Let's at least get that done. He still won't do it and I don't know why. I have asked him many times if there is some reason why he CAN'T get his license, like DUIs or tickets or crimes. He drinks more than is healthy and he drives all over the place, drunk, even though I have begged and begged him not to. I remind him that my home is at risk, and I have put 20 years of very hard work into having what I have.

I did tame down his drunk driving but I couldn't get him to go get his license. I decided to do some investigative work. I discovered that he did indeed have a hold on his license, in several states: unpaid moving violations, multiple and unsatisfied DUIs, reinstatement fees that had never been paid. I was sick to my stomach.

I'm in so deep now I really don't know what to do. I have this $50K loan in my name, that I can't possibly pay. He tells me I'm crazy when I try to show him that he's spending all the money indulging himself (I've never known a more self-indulgent, selfish, self-centered person). I'm really screwed now--it's too late to back out.

And I know, many people will think, "How could you let these horrors go on for so long, and how could you keep digging yourself in deeper? Everything you did was just getting you more entangled in his web!"

And I agree. Seeing it on paper, and I've told the story over and over, it sounds so stupid, but that is the power of the narcissist. Not just any narcissist, because there are varying degrees. I'm talking about someone with deeply seated Narcissistic Personality Disorder, someone who does not and will not ever know that he's very, very ill. His presence is a terrible poison to those who love him. And he does not love, he can't. He just sucks. He doesn't even know he's doing it, that's why it's so hard to talk to him. He really thinks I'm crazy, and believe me, there are times when I wonder if I am.

One of the disturbing "side effects" of this disorder is that the victim, who has been terribly abused, can look like the crazy one in the relationship. And yes, I know, I look like I must be crazy.

A malignant narcissist, definition follows, has more power than a sane person could believe is humanly possible. He has charm to initially fool and entice his victims into his web. He has no moral knowledge or awareness of manipulating and using his victims, yet that is exactly what he is doing. He has grandiose dreams, that he himself believes so completely he is able to convince others of their truthfulness. He exaggerates his accomplishments to the point of lying. In fact, generally he is a compulsive liar, without even being aware that he is lying. He has lied to himself for so long and so well, that he has come to believe his own lies. He truly believes that he has accomplished much more than he has.

There are many more terrible traits of a narcissist, which we will look at later.

Malignant Narcissist
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
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For the Rush instrumental, see Malignant Narcissism (instrumental).
Malignant narcissism is a syndrome consisting of a combination of aspects of narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder as well as paranoid traits.[citation needed] Malignant narcissism is a theoretical or 'experimental' diagnostic category; although narcissistic personality disorder is found in the current version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR), malignant narcissism is not. Individuals with malignant narcissism would be diagnosed under narcissistic personality disorder. Malignant narcissism can be partially treated with medications and therapy, helping to reduce aggravating symptoms.
The malignant narcissist differs from narcissistic personality disorder in that the malignant narcissist derives higher levels of psychological gratification from accomplishments over time (thus worsening the disorder).[citation needed] Because the malignant narcissist becomes more involved in this psychological gratification, they are apt to develop the antisocial, the paranoid, and the schizoid personality disorders.[citation needed] The term malignant is added to the term narcissist to indicate that individuals with this disorder tend to worsen in their impulse controls and desires over time.[citation needed]
Malignant narcissism can be comorbid with other psychological disorders not mentioned above.

Once captured by a narcissist, it becomes very difficult to get away. I used to have a somewhat haughty attitude about people caught in an abusive situation. While I had compassion for the abused woman, I couldn't understand why she didn't just get away. Well, now I know.

For one thing, your self-esteem plummets. You are married to a person you love more than anything, you believe in him, you jump into his fantasy. Then he lies to you, lies to the point where you're not even sure if you're sane; he calls you awful, filthy names and tells you you're crazy (reinforcing the fact that you're already questioning your sanity). He keeps you in the role of beggar (begging for money) and telling you some more that you're crazy, "I give you so much effing money, you effing b...." or "I've given you enough money this year, now keep your effing hands off my bank account!" This delivered as a bellow.

There are periods of happiness, that is part of the problem. There are times when he's a true Hero again. He's gentle and funny and horny. In these times, he'll pull another fast one. Those of us who are abused are quick to forgive and believe that the worst is past.

Also, I had not yet "diagnosed" him as NPD. I didn't even know what it was. I thought all our problems stemmed from the fact that he was an alcoholic and that all I had to do was get him to see that. So I began a campaign to try to force some awareness on him. It didn't work.

I finally reached the end of what I could tolerate. He was still drinking. I could see his health deteriorating. He was becoming even more of a bull (if that's possible). I knew I was totally screwed and I didn't know how I was going to pull myself out of the hole I was in but I was going to make one last attempt to reach him and then I was going to leave him. He had already "left me", AGAIN, having one of his many tantrums. It seemed the perfect time.

I wrote him a letter, about 10 pages long, and entitled it "The Final Stand". I sent it (via e-mail) to him, his family members and his friends. He never did see it this way, but it was basically a love letter in which I begged him to see what he was doing to us, I needed him to acknowledge that he had a problem and promise that he would seek help for it.

Nothing happened. I started getting calls of support from his friends and family; they were all behind me for the most part. Unfortunately, he was having a heart attack. When I finally reached out to him, he was nearly dead. He had not sought medical care. I could tell there was something really wrong with him, so I dropped everything, drove the 70 miles to retrieve him, and took him to the hospital. He came close to dying that night.

He spent a month in the hospital. It wasn't clear whether he was going to make it or not. Of course, I was devastated and really didn't want to lose him. I still love him, probably always will, and I certainly felt it then.

He pulled through. "The Final Stand" was on hold. I gave it to him to read but failed to reach his soul. He did quit drinking (hello, it was killing him) and I thought, again, FINALLY, we can now begin living.

We began seeing a counselor. I wasn't going to let him off easily, even though he had nearly died. A couple months had gone by and I wasn't seeing what I wanted to see. During one of the sessions, he stormed off, leaving me to talk privately with the counselor. I wanted to know why I wasn't seeing some improvement in his attitude and outlook. He responded that it can take several months for the alcoholic fog to lift and for clarity to begin. I thought I should be seeing some improvement so he said this, "Perhaps there is also an underlying personality disorder". And something in my brain said "Bingo".

I had already suspected that he had some sort of mental disorder. Not just him, but all addicts. I have had too much experience with addicts and mental illness (addiction and mental illness run in my family; in addition to that, I seem to be a magnet for people with "issues"--I say jokingly that I "collect them"). Given my experience with these sad people, I had already reached the conclusion that addicts have something wrong in the brain, which leads them on the path to addiction in the first place.

How many of us have played with alcohol and/or drugs and not continued on to completely mess up our lives? I can tell you that I have, and I don't think that I'm not an alcoholic or drug addict because I'm better, stronger or smarter than Joe Blow Addict. It's because my brain isn't wired that way!

So that was the first bell that went off in my head: there is a personality disorder--I had been calling it a brain malfunction.

Shortly after that, I was reading Dear Abby and there was a letter from a mother whose daughter had just been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Some of the "symptoms" were listed, if I recall: extreme selfishness, inability to empathize and pathological lying. And Bingo, Bingo, Home Run!

I was so excited I ran immediately to the computer and began devouring information regarding this disorder and knew that I had my answer. It helps immeasurably to be armed with information.

Knowing what I am up against has not solved my problem, but I know now at least that my Hero can't be cured, he can't and won't ever see what his mental disorder is doing to me and has done to his wives and children before me.

To save my mental self, I have to get away from him. Too bad I had to destroy my financial self before I figured this out. I now have $100K in loans in my name and no way out of that except maybe bankruptcy. A narcissist did this to me. If it's not too late, don't let him do it to you. GET OUT! Run for your life. He will destroy you, then he will move on to his next victim, like you are no more important than a piece of trash.

I know from experience.

I've learned many more things. In my next post I will tell you about a malignant narcissist who admits he is one! But he also admits that he can't and won't change. He's a fascinating man.

Thank you for your interest and remember, I need people to interview about their personal experiences.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Looking for spouses of narcissists

I'm looking for other people impacted by involvement with a narcissist. Perhaps we could start a support group. I'm also thinking about writing a book and need to collect some material.

I would like to talk to anyone impacted by a narcissist. I will treat your information sensitively. No one shall be exposed who does not wish to be!

Please, leave me a comment so we can begin a dialogue.

Or email me privately at