Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Thank Goodness for the Internet!

There is so much to read about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, illustrated by personal stories, that you can quickly discover you are not alone. It is still a journey back to "sanity", but reading the stories of others helps tremendously. Oddly, they are all so similar.

Here is a wealth of information worth checking out:
Open Forest offers mental health blog articles, mental health self-tests, and self-help courses written by PhDs for mental health conditions including ADD/ADHD, depression, stress and problem drinking, with more to follow soon.

It took me five years, but I finally feel free of the pain from my entanglement with an N and have recovered from the financial devastation he left behind as well. It doesn't always take that long; each individual recovers at his or her (mostly her!!) own pace.

I emerged stronger and wiser, and you will too. Just hang in there...
Thank Goodness for the Internet!

There is so much to read about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, illustrated by personal stories, that you can quickly discover you are not alone. It is still a journey back to "sanity", but reading the stories of others helps tremendously. Oddly, they are all so similar.

Here is a wealth of information worth checking out:

It took me five years, but I finally feel free of the pain from my entanglement with an N and have recovered from the financial devastation he left behind as well. It doesn't always take that long; each individual recovers at his or her (mostly her!!) own pace.

I emerged stronger and wiser, and you will too. Just hang in there...

Sunday, July 3, 2016


gerund or present participle: gaslighting
manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.

I came across this post and thought it was worth sharing:

IT HAPPENED TO ME: My Friends and I Were Gaslighted by Someone Close to Us

Sunday, November 9, 2014

The Final Chapter

Take Back From a Bully.....that's what I called "Operation Truck Snatch". Astute readers will have noticed that I referred to this coup several years ago. It finally happened. I took his precious truck. I expected to feel some gloating, but I really just feel sad. Also relieved that the giant hammer is no longer hanging over my head.

Briefly, I married a narcissist. Things went downhill fast, although it took me three years to "diagnose" my Hero with NPD. By that time, I had multiple loans in my names, numerous things that I bought for "our" life together. I was completely trapped and clueless as to what to do.

I started this blog. It was intended as therapy for myself but oddly, people began to discover it and I was to discover that my situation was not unique. There were FAR too many women in the exact same boat as I (and some men--there ARE female Ns, just not as many, or fewer men who are willing to admit they married a monster).

Anyway, he was to eventually take off and along with him went all the toys we bought, mostly in my name. I had flat out bought a boat but allowed him to put the title in his name, thinking, what difference does it make, we're married?! Well, he took that too. He took it all and left me with the bills.

I will give him this--he continued to make the payments on the $50K truck. I had to do a lot of massaging, begging, cajoling, ass-kissing.....but he did it. He also made the payments on the 5th wheel trailer. These combined were over $1000/month. Had he not made them, I would have been sunk.

As it was, he allowed me to continue paying the insurance for both of them, he left $10K on one of my credit cards, he took off with the $5K boat, there was a $30K time share we bought together, with the expectation that he would pay for it, he caused an accident that cost me $5K, as I couldn't turn it into my insurance because he had no driver's license (I discovered that AFTER we bought the truck)!! I was screwed. This was a lot of money for a little seamstress and dog sitter. I don't make much money--I just work a lot.

But.....the truck was in my name. So I plotted. And waited. And prayed he wouldn't cause another accident.

It took three years but it finally was no longer upside down. Still I waited. Let's try to get a little bit of profit. My plan was to have the cops pull him over and impound the truck, since he was driving illegally--no driver's license--hello!! But, believe it or not, the cops in his state of residence said they didn't care about that. I couldn't get them to cooperate.

I was plotting how I could find a judge, enlist his help in convincing his officers to enforce the law when a better opportunity presented itself.

He started paying late. Then late again. Then really late. Messing up my credit and I was powerless to stop it. I contacted private investigators. They had an "in" with the local police and were going to convince them to come to the party, pull him over, impound the truck since he has no right to be on the road. They wanted $3K as a retainer to begin surveillance!

I was going to have to give it up. I was destroyed. All this planning, plotting, waiting.

All of a sudden I realized, NO. I'm not giving up! Whatever it costs, whatever it takes, someone has to take back from this bully! No one has ever taken back from him; he has gotten away with this bullshit his ENTIRE life, and he's now in his 50s. I swelled with power. I called the PIs and told them to go ahead, gave them my credit card information.

At the end of that day, I decided to try to enlist the help of the lien holder one last time. I had asked them before and they told me they couldn't begin repossession proceedings until he was at least 60 days past due, and he was only about 40 days.

For some reason, this time my agent said, "Let's do this." I was euphoric. It took two weeks, three agencies, countless people but they got it.

I was at my business networking meeting, on pins and needles, trying to concentrate on the meeting, because I knew the guys were out, looking for it. I got home from the meeting and the phone rang. It was Hero! I thought, oh boy, this is it. He never calls me.

He said, "They just came and repossessed my mother-fucking truck!". I said, "Oh dear, what a shame! When, where?"

The conversation progressed and went downhill from there. I shall spare you the details.

The point of this story is.....never give up. It's so easy to want to sleep, to be complacent, to let things happen. But I think it's important to stand up to these bullies. I really wish that more people would stand up. And I don't mean the poor, beaten-down wives. I mean the bosses, the co-workers, the family members, the friends of these guys who REFUSE to see this giant problem!

I begged, cried, wrote poignant letters to many of the family members of my Hero--not ONE of them responded. All I wanted was some moral support, support in standing up to him. His brother one time shouted at me, "I DON'T CARE!!!"

And almost without exception, the people who have written to me say the same thing. The families completely turn their backs on them. Deny their brother, son, friend, uncle has a problem, treat the wife like an outcast, like a bitch, like the one who created all the problems.

They ignore her when she needs help the most, when the marriage is dissolving and she is at the bottom of her self-esteem.

Unfortunately, the people reading this blog are the victims. The perps don't ever seek out information, the families of the perps don't seek out information. And the cycle repeats itself.

I was my Hero's FOURTH wife. Each of us, and his children, ran from him screaming. His marriages didn't dissolve, they exploded. Yet it was the wives. We're all crazy bitches, took all his money, stole his dreams. Are these people for real?! Four of us!! All with the same tale and they continue to deny that their son, brother, uncle has a terrible problem.

Anyway, Operation Truck Snatch was for all of you. Give yourself hope. Empower yourself. I will continue to wage the war on bullies, on these terribly disordered individuals. I will continue to spread the word. I have not given up on the book; however, I have not yet found the time to even begin. I have hundreds of pages of correspondence from women who have been there. My story is tame compared to some of the stories I have heard.

Once again, feel free to write to me directly:

I try very hard to respond promptly. Sometimes it takes me a few days. 

Monday, March 24, 2014

How Time Flies!

Much of the work that happens on this blog takes place behind the scenes. I have hundreds of pages of correspondence with dozens, and approaching hundreds, of people who have experienced the exact same thing as I have, as all of you have.

It astonishes me that there are so many NPDs out there. It almost seems like an epidemic.

The correspondence is very sacred to me and I usually reply to everyone in a timely way. I'm trying to help people as much as I can. People who are in various stages of discovery from just realizing there is something wrong, to coming to the realization that the NPD with whom they are entangled CANNOT change, to people who are past it and have essentially erased the NPD from their life.

My intention is to organize this correspondence, edit it and post it on the blog so that everyone can benefit from the enormous insight that is found in these heart-wrenching letters.

But first, I must contact each person, obtain permission, edit out names and places and any other identifying information. It's a huge task and one I should have done from the very beginning.

I have learned so much from all of you who have responded and have many great ideas for the book. I have many efforts going on simultaneously and can only give so much to each one.

So, the project is not forgotten -- it's just going to take a long time....

In the meantime, keep the correspondence coming, or post to the blog so that your pain is not in vain.

Also, I really think that writing about your experience is beneficial to YOU. It helps you to make sense of what happened and it helps to be disgorging the information to people who KNOW what you have been through and can empathize, something we know our NPDs cannot do!

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Correspondence and a live discussion....

We are marching along and you are not alone.....I have corresponded with dozens of women (mostly women) who have lived this exact same story, as if these guys take the same page out of the same book: "How to Be the Worst Husband Ever" or something.

I am working on editing all this correspondence, taking out names, places, anything that can identify people in preparation for posting on this blog. Then I need to seek permission from each person before posting. There are so many stories that I know you'll be able to identify with, some insights that you may not have thought of and more. It's a long project and I can only work on it in cracks of time. But it's happening.

Here is a link to a live panel segment I participated in Live on Huffington Post, a segment on lying. I was trying to speak for you all. I am not the best at this, I tend to write better than I speak, but here it is.

I think that awareness is growing about this disorder and other personality disorders, which means we are making progress. One of my goals is to write a pamphlet for SCHOOLS. We have sex-education in schools, while not pre-marital education?!

Writing the pamphlet is only the first step. Then we must get it into schools. Then we must get young girls to believe......but one step at a time....

Friday, April 12, 2013

....and "The Rest of the Story".....

Wow, I am about a zillion years older than when I started this blog two years ago. But I'm also many, many years wiser. And here is the rest of the story......

For those just tuning in, I married a narcissist and I have spelled out the story of life with him. When I began this blog, we were still married and living together. For this writing, I refer to him as "Hero".

Once I "diagnosed" him, I decided that being equipped with knowledge was all I needed in order to "manage" him and our lives together. Wrong!

As time went on, I became very certain that my story was not going to have a happy ending but I truly did not know what to do. I felt completely trapped and defeated. I became mouse-like, did not argue, let him do whatever he wanted, did not complain that he was not contributing financially, etc.

He told me that he needed to "keep all his money because he was working on some things to secure our future". I was grateful that he at least was paying the loan payments on the truck and the trailer--two very large loans that were in my name. I wanted to get rid of him; after all, he was living in my house rent-free, not contributing, surly as hell and no fun at all. However, I was terrified that he would abandon the truck and the trailer and that would be over $1000 more per month that I would have to come up with and I knew that would sink me even faster than I was already sinking.

So I kept my mouth shut, about everything. Avoided any topics that could possibly start a fight. He was making several trips to another state at this time, supposedly to work but he never came back with any money, at least not for me. He said he was working on a big job that would pay off big later. Uh huh.

We did have one fight one night. I asked him when he was going to give me some money. And I also wanted to know how much it was going to be. I was expecting at least $1000 but he said something like $300. I made the mistake of saying, "That's it?" He says, "That's all you're gonna get", and I made the mistake of saying, "Why?" or some other stupid thing like that. Then he said, "Fine, I won't give you anything then." I must say I lost it. I called him every name in the book. I was so tired of having to treat him like a king when I had to take his bullshit like that.

You see, he was holding all the cards. He was the one who was going to make the kind of money that could pay for things like a $10,000 credit card bill (all his, in the name of his "business"), who could pay for the $50K truck and the $40K fancy 30-foot trailer, the $30K time share, etc. All these things I had entered into with him, loans in my name, with the expectation that he would pay. He knew that all this stuff was in my name and that there was no way I could earn enough to pay for it all. He had me over a barrel and he knew it. I was like a bug, pinned to the ground. squirming and praying for mercy.

So I let myself lose it. I was really at the end of my rope. I told him we had to get a divorce. He said fine, bring me the papers. I said I just happen to have some right here, I've had them for awhile. We signed the papers, which I had already drawn up. Myself, since I couldn't afford an attorney.

The next day, I told him I needed the money to file the divorce papers, it was $300 and I didn't have it. He said he would give it to me later. I said fine, I guess we can't get divorced then. I acted like I was rethinking the whole divorce thing. As soon as he left, I drove down the mountain and filed the papers!

I got the divorce decree in the mail about three weeks later. It was the only power I had. We were divorced and the son of a bitch didn't know it. We lived together another year after that.

I was still trying to live life as normally as possible so I tried to plan a camping trip for the summer. I have a disabled son and I signed him up for camp so that I could have a week free. I informed Hero of the dates. I cleaned the trailer and I wanted to take it camping, make it easy on myself. The date is getting closer and closer and Hero won't commit to the camping trip. He's resisting for some reason. I gave up and made my own plans. He was so incredibly nasty during this time. Making trips to Utah. Paying minimal amounts on my credit card (which I finally took away from him--the balance being about $9K, all his).

The date came close and he asked me what my plans were, who I was going camping with, who I was going to be "fucking". His words. I said I tried and tried to get you to go camping with me but instead I am going away by myself with my dog. He said, I won't be here when you get back from your "fucking" trip. I said, "Whatever". At this point, I knew I was never going to get any money out of him so I might as well get his miserable self out of my house.

He did leave. He took off with the trailer, the truck, the boat that I had bought early in the marriage that he was supposed to pay me for but never did, the generator that I bought, a computer that I had left him use along with the desk, and many, many other things. He kindly left for me the time share, which was costing me  hundreds of dollars every month that I couldn't afford and would never have time to use. He left me with the $9K on my credit card. He left me with making payments on the $5,000 accident he had caused, which I couldn't turn over to my insurance for many reasons which I shouldn't state publicly and he was gone, baby gone.

Remember, he'd been telling me that "he needed all his money for a big project he was working on to secure 'our' future"...... Uh huh. He secured a future, all right--his own! All those trips to Utah were spent setting himself up. I even learned that he gave his ex-wife money on one of those trips, yet he had no money to help his current "wife" (heh heh) with household expenses.

So now I was facing the moment of truth. Was I going to be able to continue to carry all this debt? I had been for a year anyway. But was he going to continue to pay the truck and trailer payments? It would be very easy for him to disappear with them, leaving me to deal with the payments, or repossession,  getting liens against my house, etc. I was so afraid. And I was completely drained. Living with him for four years sapped everything I had--financially, emotionally, spiritually. I felt like a dead person.

Well, he continued to make the payments. I have to give him credit for that. He graciously allowed me to continue making the insurance payments. And the credit card payments. And the payments for the accident he caused. I asked him to return the items he took that he shouldn't have. He said he would. Surprise, he hasn't. But he's making the payments on the truck and the trailer, combined $1100/month, enough to sink my overloaded battle ship if he stops. So again, I keep my mouth shut and be grateful for the crumbs he has left me with. But is anyone thinking what I'm thinking? Heh heh. Can't say it publicly......

I began investigating him to see if there was any way I could somehow force him to pay me what he owed me. Every day I was more sick to my stomach as to what I found. Almost every day I uncovered another atrocious thing that he had done in the short time he lived here. In short, he was conning many, many other people. He owed tens of thousands of dollars to over a dozen other victims. It was a nightmare. I could not believe this had been occurring, right under my very nose.

I contacted the FBI. I documented everything he had done, all the people he owed. all the people he had screwed over, the amounts. and nada. The FBI is not interested until you get over $2 million. A half mil doesn't mean squat. It was heart breaking. There was nothing I could do. I also learned that he'd had multiple lawsuits against him, and no one had ever recovered a dime. I may as well not even bother. He goes underground, under the radar, etc. No cash or assets anywhere to be found. Scum of the earth and this is who I married.

Please understand the power of the narcissist. He (or she) can get you to believe anything! I was not the only person he fooled. So many people thought he was the salt of the earth, bent over backwards to give, give, give--expecting to be rewarded with profits in return, and he screwed them royally. The feeling you get when you know you've been had is indescribable. If you've never been fooled, then lucky you. These guys are GOOD. My husband could charm the panties off a lesbian.

A few months after he left, I was served with divorce papers from an attorney in Utah. My darling "husband" was seeking half my assets! Did not say anything about division of debts but very clearly stated that he was entitled to half of MY assets, investment accounts, bank accounts, etc. This from the guy who entered the marriage with ABSOLUTELY NOTHING--NOT EVEN A FUCKING CAR!!!

Sorry, sometimes I get carried away.....Anyway, did I have fun with that document. I responded with a multi-page document, all legal, using legalese, did not use a lawyer, point by point refuting everything in his document. In addition, I wrote a lengthy letter, very civil, to his lawyer, with copies of all HIS bills, unpaid, that were still coming to my house (in the hundreds of thousands of dollars), a copy of the report I had created for the FBI, and a clear message that I hoped he collected his fee up-front because Hero left his last lawyer UNPAID, and I included a copy of that poor lawyer's bill. Yes, Hero fooled even a lawyer into working on his hopeless case (he lost--another judgement against Hero that will never get paid), and then he stiffed his lawyer! This guy's a gem.

Anyway, so all this to the divorce attorney, a copy of the pertinent documents also to the court. If I didn't respond by a certain date the documents stated that he would win by default. Half MY assets!

And the very last line of all these documents that I created, this legal document that I sent to the court and to his lawyer, said "By the way, we are already legally divorced in the State of Nevada" to which I attached a copy of the decree.

It took me several hours to create this document but it was worth it!

The moral of this story is: There will be no happy ending with your narcissist. He is going to screw you, it's just a matter of "How much?". He is going to destroy your sense of self, your self-esteem, possibly your finances, your heart, your mind, your soul.

I tried to keep mine as a pet. I really did. I thought that I could manage him once I knew what I was dealing with. I'm a very capable person. Not stupid. Not a genius but probably above-average intelligence. And this guy, who boasts an IQ of 80, if that--got me good. Fooled me completely. Took me to the cleaners. Played me like a violin.

My next post (and I swear I won't take two years to make it) will be more about the progress I've made within myself since the darkest cloud of my entire life was lifted (when he left). About what I've learned from the communications with so many people who've found this blog and took the time to email me.

Essentially my message is to you readers--most of you likely are victims of a narcissist which is why you are seeking information--that there is hope! You will heal. You will feel like a human again. You can create a healthy, happy life for yourself but the person you escaped from never will be able to. Take some wicked comfort in that......:)