I'm looking for other people impacted by involvement with a narcissist. Perhaps we could start a support group. I'm also thinking about writing a book and need to collect some material.
I would like to talk to anyone impacted by a narcissist. I will treat your information sensitively. No one shall be exposed who does not wish to be!
Please, leave me a comment so we can begin a dialogue.
Or email me privately at narcissismathome@gmail.com.
First things first. I do not know either how this all works with Google Accounts, Followers etc. so I am trying this Commenting. It once worked on Anna's blog and I hope this will too.
ReplyDeleteI'm from Germany, 49 years old and an ex-husband of a narcissist Japanese wife (13 years older). My divorce was in October 2007 after an almost 20 years long marriage.
Maybe you send me a mail to rolf_klein (at) luxmail.com
Looking forward to hear from you!
Rolf
Married 11 years to a narc. And yes they marry very quick, before the mask comes off. Had a ring on my finger in four months and new wife in 10 weeks after our divorce was final. He ruined me financially and will his new wife too. I could write a book too!zaney103@yahoo
ReplyDeleteI've been ignoring my blog and I apologize for not replying months ago. I am reformed. If you are still there......I will send you an email.
DeleteIt's weird how similar the stories are. Quick to the altar, financial ruin....veins which run through most of the stories.
And amazing how we all fall for it! But you know how powerful they are--you probably never felt more loved and in love in your whole life.
The thing is, I think these narcissists believe that they have never been more in love either. Which is why it's so easy to fall under the spell. It's like magic. Sadly, it's not real and the honeymoon is over very quickly.
It's the narcissist who can't handle reality. That's where things go wrong.
Im so glad you just recently replied! Thank you. I cant even tell you what a relief it is to find this blog at what seems to be just the right time. Almost everything you've written fits to a tee! Man of my dreams, quick to the alter, history of alcoholism, seemingly totally enamoured with me, so convincing of everything he wants me to be convinced of. Over time things havent added up. He wont work a regular job as that is beneath him and hasnt contributed financially on his own for over 4 years. It has been to cope with as i dont make much financially and have been waiting for him to pull through with these great "business ideas" hes working on. For four years i have been paying for him and his portion of his childrens bills with my small income and child support from my previous husband! Whenever i bring up needing income from him (4 years of this) he is explosive calling me all kinds of awful names. He is extremely convincing to himself and others close to him. You wouldnt believe the kinds of deals he has made while mesmerizing others and then not following through. Its been a long 4 years trying to figure out this isane behavior and now..."bingo!" It all makes sense! I thought i wasnt being a good enough wife, but im seeing the light! Thank you!
DeleteIt is uncanny how similar our stories are. I was with my husband for four years, he could not keep a job, he was working on many "business ideas" that required vast amounts of capital (financed by my credit cards), a $50K truck (loan in my name), I could go on.
DeleteHe needed to keep all his money to finance his "business" to "secure our future".
I bought all this and continued to work harder thinking that I was investing in him, his success and our future.
Ha.
If I asked him for money or dared complain that I couldn't keep working this hard, like you, I was called all kinds of filthy names.
I think this partly happened to us because we were vulnerable, we were only too ready to believe that "our hero" was here at last and we were to be rewarded for finding him.
Not so. My Hero left a year ago and it was actually a huge relief. He left me with massive debt, which I am struggling to pay, but the ugly, black cloud is gone and I can see again.
You see, this amazing, wonderful guy was also conning other people and the net was closing in on him. And I was completely unaware.
My friends and family told me early on to "cut my losses and get rid of him". I just thought that if I tried harder it would all work out. Well, it didn't and there wasn't a prayer that it was going to.
So, for you, I say: "Cut your losses and get rid of him!" Easy for me to say, eh? Does he make your first husband look like a prince?......;)
Seeking out information like you're doing is a very good step. Now you know, without a doubt, you are not alone. You're not a fool. You're not the problem in this marriage--he is and he can't be fixed. I know, I tried.
It's been 2 years since your original post, but after stupidly spending the last 13 years blaming myself, I realize I'm married to a narcissist. If you're still looking to write a book, I would gladly supply my story. In a nutshell, it's all about him, his needs, his friends, his happiness. I'm wife #3. I've spoken to his 30 year old daughter from wife #1, and heard the stories of hell she endured. I'm 47, and haven't had sex in 5 years (yes, for my age I'm attractive, funny, considerate, caring, generous and basically everything an N looks for). He was forced to retire after 32 years with a major company and gets a fat pension. Meanwhile, I'm working 50 hour weeks with fibromyalgia that is only exacerbated by the stress and emotional / verbal abuse I endure daily. I'm expected to pay for half of everything, and have no savings. Because of my health and the fatigue, I don't know which is worse: staying in a bad relationship with an uncaring asshole, or having to start over again at 47 with my lower income and constant pain. Worst of all, he KNOWS that my condition is aggravated by stress, but it doesn't stop him from laying it on thick. You have my email if you need (or care to hear) specifics. They'd make your hair stand on end. -- R
ReplyDeleteI am so, so sorry I didn't check on my blog for so long. I will read your next post and I hope you're still there because I would love to converse with you. And I really hope you are hanging in there. At least as of July, you are not in a good situation.
DeleteI know what you mean--your husband has absolutely no empathy! It's hard to fathom, from the viewpoint of a normal human being, how anyone could possibly discount you so much.
I was wife #4 (which really, really should have been a big clue) and my husband's (now ex) children from his first wife hate him and endured years of hell from him.
I actually tried very, very hard at the beginning of the marriage to engineer a reunion with his children! They would have none of it. It took me 3 or 4 years to figure out why not. And I'm saddened that I put them through the process of trying to get them to accept and love their father again.....
More after your next post.........
Since I took the time to register, I'll share a few tidbits, not because I care if anyone reads this, but because it's cathartic. The beginning of my story is the same as most. Trips all over the world, gifts, affection and companionship. Sadly, like most N's, I'm no longer a hot commodity, so we vacillate between periods of relative quiet (where I am treated civilly) and periods where I am tested to the limits. I'm forbidden to look at his iPhone or laptop (probably because the last time I did, I found pictures of him with some clueless floozy on the back of his shiny black Harley, wearing my helmet!). Our company has been demanding about 8-10 hours of OT per week, and as any fibromyalgia sufferer can attest, it takes the starch outta ya. He confronted me the other day with pictures of my sleeping on the sofa and another one where I fell asleep atop the bedspread, still in my worl-clothes. He told me I have an addictive personality (which is true...about 7 years ago I was self-medicating with hydrocodone for the fibromyalgia, but I haven't touched them since). He accused me of being "on something". I was in tears, telling him that between the sumner heat, the overtime and the household chores, that yes I fell asleep, I was simply exhausted. He didn't buy it, and two days of the silent treatment ensued. When I left work last night (at 8:15 pm), I stopped and bought a huge coffee to make sure I'd stay awake when I got home. We watched a movie of HIS choosing, and HE fell asleep on the sofa!!! He doesn't even work!! I have two cats that I adore, and he has this crazy rule where they're forbidden in the kitchen. Unfortunately, our kitchen is the hub-- in the center of our home, and can only be avoided by taking a narrow hallway. Also, he has the master bedroom (21' x 16') with huge bathroom that includes a jacuzzi tub and glass doors looking out over the lanei where ge grows his "special plants". I have a guest room which I've fixed up nicely, but i can't help but feel like his roomate. I've been celibate for 5 years, but the sex was awful anyhow (abruptly ending after he climaxed). My mother and brother feel awful for me, and try to be supportive, but they know it's my battle. I'll post more as time goes on, and I'd like to thank you for providing a space for recto vent; it felt wonderful.
ReplyDeleteHi NytViolet, You haven't posted again and I don't blame you but I hope somehow you get this message because I would love to hear from you and find out how you're doing.
DeleteI can also totally relate to your story because my husband would also spare no expense for luxuries and comforts for HIMSELF! He completely ignored my needs, he never bought me anything, he didn't acknowledge my birthday or Valentine's Day, etc. Pig of all pigs.
And sex! Same thing--it took him about 30 seconds, and I'm not exaggerating, and that was it, he was done. He completely lost interest in me after he was spent.
I haven't made progress on the book although I am definitely collecting stories and I swear, I will write a book. Somehow I will find time.
It's not going to be a book of complaints--I really want to explore narcissism, its victims, how we let ourselves become victims and many more aspects of the disorder. I find the subject fascinating.
The victims also fascinate me. All of us, I swear, are stronger than the average bear. It's true! Some really amazing women I've talked to. And we do triumph in the end.
You are amazing, I can tell. In the face of extreme adversity, you persevere and you are a much, much better person than your husband is. He'll pay. Yes he will. I very much look forward to when my darling husband has to face himself and feel the pain of what he has done his entire life. Because face it they all will. I have to believe that. Judgment Day for these cats will not be pretty.
I actually need to write another post, which I will title "The Rest of the Story". My husband up and left one day. And that's when it gets interesting....
Let me know how you're doing!..........toree