Thursday, August 26, 2010

Looking for spouses of narcissists

I'm looking for other people impacted by involvement with a narcissist. Perhaps we could start a support group. I'm also thinking about writing a book and need to collect some material.

I would like to talk to anyone impacted by a narcissist. I will treat your information sensitively. No one shall be exposed who does not wish to be!

Please, leave me a comment so we can begin a dialogue.

Or email me privately at


  1. First things first. I do not know either how this all works with Google Accounts, Followers etc. so I am trying this Commenting. It once worked on Anna's blog and I hope this will too.

    I'm from Germany, 49 years old and an ex-husband of a narcissist Japanese wife (13 years older). My divorce was in October 2007 after an almost 20 years long marriage.

    Maybe you send me a mail to rolf_klein (at)

    Looking forward to hear from you!


  2. Married 11 years to a narc. And yes they marry very quick, before the mask comes off. Had a ring on my finger in four months and new wife in 10 weeks after our divorce was final. He ruined me financially and will his new wife too. I could write a book too!zaney103@yahoo

    1. I've been ignoring my blog and I apologize for not replying months ago. I am reformed. If you are still there......I will send you an email.

      It's weird how similar the stories are. Quick to the altar, financial ruin....veins which run through most of the stories.

      And amazing how we all fall for it! But you know how powerful they are--you probably never felt more loved and in love in your whole life.

      The thing is, I think these narcissists believe that they have never been more in love either. Which is why it's so easy to fall under the spell. It's like magic. Sadly, it's not real and the honeymoon is over very quickly.

      It's the narcissist who can't handle reality. That's where things go wrong.

    2. Im so glad you just recently replied! Thank you. I cant even tell you what a relief it is to find this blog at what seems to be just the right time. Almost everything you've written fits to a tee! Man of my dreams, quick to the alter, history of alcoholism, seemingly totally enamoured with me, so convincing of everything he wants me to be convinced of. Over time things havent added up. He wont work a regular job as that is beneath him and hasnt contributed financially on his own for over 4 years. It has been to cope with as i dont make much financially and have been waiting for him to pull through with these great "business ideas" hes working on. For four years i have been paying for him and his portion of his childrens bills with my small income and child support from my previous husband! Whenever i bring up needing income from him (4 years of this) he is explosive calling me all kinds of awful names. He is extremely convincing to himself and others close to him. You wouldnt believe the kinds of deals he has made while mesmerizing others and then not following through. Its been a long 4 years trying to figure out this isane behavior and now..."bingo!" It all makes sense! I thought i wasnt being a good enough wife, but im seeing the light! Thank you!

    3. It is uncanny how similar our stories are. I was with my husband for four years, he could not keep a job, he was working on many "business ideas" that required vast amounts of capital (financed by my credit cards), a $50K truck (loan in my name), I could go on.

      He needed to keep all his money to finance his "business" to "secure our future".

      I bought all this and continued to work harder thinking that I was investing in him, his success and our future.


      If I asked him for money or dared complain that I couldn't keep working this hard, like you, I was called all kinds of filthy names.

      I think this partly happened to us because we were vulnerable, we were only too ready to believe that "our hero" was here at last and we were to be rewarded for finding him.

      Not so. My Hero left a year ago and it was actually a huge relief. He left me with massive debt, which I am struggling to pay, but the ugly, black cloud is gone and I can see again.

      You see, this amazing, wonderful guy was also conning other people and the net was closing in on him. And I was completely unaware.

      My friends and family told me early on to "cut my losses and get rid of him". I just thought that if I tried harder it would all work out. Well, it didn't and there wasn't a prayer that it was going to.

      So, for you, I say: "Cut your losses and get rid of him!" Easy for me to say, eh? Does he make your first husband look like a prince?......;)

      Seeking out information like you're doing is a very good step. Now you know, without a doubt, you are not alone. You're not a fool. You're not the problem in this marriage--he is and he can't be fixed. I know, I tried.

    4. So true about the mask, I didn't see the real him until 6 months after getting married. I left a good carreer and brought in a young son from a previous marrige. During the corting time he acted interested in my son and of course spoiled me to death. 12 years of marriage and putting up with his affairs I finally divorced the bastard. My son and I have decided not to allow this man to destroy our lives or else he wins. So that has made me work harder to bounce back from all the emotional abuse etc. My story would defintely weaken most stomachs and cause sleepless nights. The important thing for anyone who is dating, married to an narrcissist is to RUN and not look back. My narrcissist husband is now married again for the 6th time, one week after our divorce was final. What's ironic is this woman believes he's the victim. She has called me names and berrated me, I'm sure she is believing all his stories. I only feel sorry for this new wife because I know what's ahead for her. But my story goes way back with my narrissitic mother, all I did was to follow the same pattern the same pattern that I thought was love. I'm in the process of moving(out of state) changing my scenery and taking chance to find happiness. No that isn't right, "I will be happy". No one should ever be allowed take your happy away.Live, Laugh, and love again. Leaving the narrissist ex husband and the narrissit mother, I'm taking my power back. If anyone would like to correspond my e-mail is

    5. Thank you, Elly07 for your comments. I pick up tidbits from everyone who writes. I really like your "No one should ever be allowed to take your happy away. Live, Laugh, and Love again." That is really beautiful. I like your style.

      You are in the recovery phase it seems, so hopefully your words can help others who are still in the discovery phase.

      Thanks for writing...........toree

  3. It's been 2 years since your original post, but after stupidly spending the last 13 years blaming myself, I realize I'm married to a narcissist. If you're still looking to write a book, I would gladly supply my story. In a nutshell, it's all about him, his needs, his friends, his happiness. I'm wife #3. I've spoken to his 30 year old daughter from wife #1, and heard the stories of hell she endured. I'm 47, and haven't had sex in 5 years (yes, for my age I'm attractive, funny, considerate, caring, generous and basically everything an N looks for). He was forced to retire after 32 years with a major company and gets a fat pension. Meanwhile, I'm working 50 hour weeks with fibromyalgia that is only exacerbated by the stress and emotional / verbal abuse I endure daily. I'm expected to pay for half of everything, and have no savings. Because of my health and the fatigue, I don't know which is worse: staying in a bad relationship with an uncaring asshole, or having to start over again at 47 with my lower income and constant pain. Worst of all, he KNOWS that my condition is aggravated by stress, but it doesn't stop him from laying it on thick. You have my email if you need (or care to hear) specifics. They'd make your hair stand on end. -- R

    1. I am so, so sorry I didn't check on my blog for so long. I will read your next post and I hope you're still there because I would love to converse with you. And I really hope you are hanging in there. At least as of July, you are not in a good situation.

      I know what you mean--your husband has absolutely no empathy! It's hard to fathom, from the viewpoint of a normal human being, how anyone could possibly discount you so much.

      I was wife #4 (which really, really should have been a big clue) and my husband's (now ex) children from his first wife hate him and endured years of hell from him.

      I actually tried very, very hard at the beginning of the marriage to engineer a reunion with his children! They would have none of it. It took me 3 or 4 years to figure out why not. And I'm saddened that I put them through the process of trying to get them to accept and love their father again.....

      More after your next post.........

  4. Since I took the time to register, I'll share a few tidbits, not because I care if anyone reads this, but because it's cathartic. The beginning of my story is the same as most. Trips all over the world, gifts, affection and companionship. Sadly, like most N's, I'm no longer a hot commodity, so we vacillate between periods of relative quiet (where I am treated civilly) and periods where I am tested to the limits. I'm forbidden to look at his iPhone or laptop (probably because the last time I did, I found pictures of him with some clueless floozy on the back of his shiny black Harley, wearing my helmet!). Our company has been demanding about 8-10 hours of OT per week, and as any fibromyalgia sufferer can attest, it takes the starch outta ya. He confronted me the other day with pictures of my sleeping on the sofa and another one where I fell asleep atop the bedspread, still in my worl-clothes. He told me I have an addictive personality (which is true...about 7 years ago I was self-medicating with hydrocodone for the fibromyalgia, but I haven't touched them since). He accused me of being "on something". I was in tears, telling him that between the sumner heat, the overtime and the household chores, that yes I fell asleep, I was simply exhausted. He didn't buy it, and two days of the silent treatment ensued. When I left work last night (at 8:15 pm), I stopped and bought a huge coffee to make sure I'd stay awake when I got home. We watched a movie of HIS choosing, and HE fell asleep on the sofa!!! He doesn't even work!! I have two cats that I adore, and he has this crazy rule where they're forbidden in the kitchen. Unfortunately, our kitchen is the hub-- in the center of our home, and can only be avoided by taking a narrow hallway. Also, he has the master bedroom (21' x 16') with huge bathroom that includes a jacuzzi tub and glass doors looking out over the lanei where ge grows his "special plants". I have a guest room which I've fixed up nicely, but i can't help but feel like his roomate. I've been celibate for 5 years, but the sex was awful anyhow (abruptly ending after he climaxed). My mother and brother feel awful for me, and try to be supportive, but they know it's my battle. I'll post more as time goes on, and I'd like to thank you for providing a space for recto vent; it felt wonderful.

    1. Hi NytViolet, You haven't posted again and I don't blame you but I hope somehow you get this message because I would love to hear from you and find out how you're doing.

      I can also totally relate to your story because my husband would also spare no expense for luxuries and comforts for HIMSELF! He completely ignored my needs, he never bought me anything, he didn't acknowledge my birthday or Valentine's Day, etc. Pig of all pigs.

      And sex! Same thing--it took him about 30 seconds, and I'm not exaggerating, and that was it, he was done. He completely lost interest in me after he was spent.

      I haven't made progress on the book although I am definitely collecting stories and I swear, I will write a book. Somehow I will find time.

      It's not going to be a book of complaints--I really want to explore narcissism, its victims, how we let ourselves become victims and many more aspects of the disorder. I find the subject fascinating.

      The victims also fascinate me. All of us, I swear, are stronger than the average bear. It's true! Some really amazing women I've talked to. And we do triumph in the end.

      You are amazing, I can tell. In the face of extreme adversity, you persevere and you are a much, much better person than your husband is. He'll pay. Yes he will. I very much look forward to when my darling husband has to face himself and feel the pain of what he has done his entire life. Because face it they all will. I have to believe that. Judgment Day for these cats will not be pretty.

      I actually need to write another post, which I will title "The Rest of the Story". My husband up and left one day. And that's when it gets interesting....

      Let me know how you're doing!..........toree

  5. My husband texted me he wanted a divorce and told me to be out of the house by Friday with our two children. He'd works out of town alot. He kept saying the whole week he would think about it and his heart hurt. He ended up taking money from our joint savings the Thursday before he was going to give me his answer. I am a nursing student and have not been working as much as I could have been and also have been taking care of my mom who was diagnosed with mets to liver and bone in November . I was depressed and he knew that. I was trying to get comfort from him but nothing. He was too busy being around his friends. I also found emails from a female coworker he never spoke of, he was so angry he wouldn't talk to me for days. Then blamed me for just trying to tAlk about it, everything was my fault. He refuses to take any responsibility for the divorce. He was my first love a d would break up w me over and over but would always come back. He made me feel like I was never good enough. He is still trying to torture me w his lies and put downs. He told me go ahead and cry it doesn't bother me I could care less. He says I should get a job and I'm lazy even though I was going to school to better our family and he agreed. He has been in his job for two years and makes very good money and the company pays for everything. Two weeks before he said he wanted a divorce we went to the
    Bahamas and had a fab time. He says now no we didn't we argued and it was my fault . He just calked the police on me after an argument to keep power over me. I do believe there is someone else but I'm not 100 percent sure since our divorce is not final I'm sure I won't know . He calls me horrible names and treats me like Im the one who wanted the divorce. He said he thought I'd change after marriage and he doesn't love me. He also Denys physical abuse that happened and says I'm crazy it never happened, I have never been so hurt but I know this is for the best and can't wait to hand him out of my life. Hopefully my kids won't suffer more than they have. He's very good at manipulating and making me feel inadequate. And he would have me questioning myself. Everyone always said oh he's so nice and what a great guy, he tells everyone I'm psycho and has turned his family against me . I am a scared because be took our 4 year old to look at knives I said why he doesn't hunt? He said its for protection. I am very nervouse and he's trying to break me down . I thought I was in a bad dream he picked a time I was at my lowest and continues to hurt and put me down. I hope it will be over soon.

    1. Hi Anonymous, I am so sorry and I feel your pain. My husband also told everyone I was a psycho and turned his family against me. How in the hell they haven't figured him out in 50 years and 4 wives is beyond me.

      Part of the trouble is, given the horrible treatment we endure from these master manipulators, we do end up a little bit crazy! And it shows! So they can say, "See! Look what she did!"

      There is a book I read, I'll have to find the exact one, but the author explains it very well with this example: Husband and wife and kids are getting ready to go to a party. Husband sits there while she gets everyone ready. When she's ready, he says he wants to do something first. So they end up waiting for him. When she complains, he berates her, belittles her, gets the children to cry. On the drive there, he berates her some more and enlists the children to help him torment her. They get to the party and he is Mr. Nice Guy, charm all around and she's a mess. People who don't know, would think that she was a bitter, angry woman and poor Mr. Nice Guy, how does he live with such a hag.

      And that's how it was with my husband and I and you too.

      You will be so much better off without him. You will regain your self-esteem. My husband also made me feel like I just wasn't good enough, I was pathetic, I only married him for his money so I deserved nothing, etc.

      None of that true but I started to doubt myself, like you are now. I was also becoming terribly depressed, like you are. You are being injected with a daily dose of poison. You won't start to feel better until you are away from that. But you will start to feel better.

      It never ceases to amaze me how much power these guys have. And yes, he is probably already reeling in his next victim. Try not to think about that.

      What you should do is try to stick him as hard as you can in the divorce. I got nothing but debt from my husband but you might have a chance if he's been the bread winner. And you have earned every penny.

      Good luck. Keep me posted. Keep your head up. You are entering into an amazing career. Keep working on nursing school. Somehow you will find a way. The good news is, you will never fall victim to another narcissist. Let us know how you are.....toree

    2. Sounds so familiar..I have been married 5 years and I just discovered that he is a narisistit.

    3. Hi Anonymous, I'm sure it does. All the stories are very much the same. We'd love to hear your story! There are many of us who have been through it.

      It's a difficult time when you are realizing what you are dealing with. You are trying to accept it. Trying to figure how or if you can live with it, etc. We can help!......toree

  6. I like your heading "My Emotional Vampire" That is a very accurate description of a narcissist. It seems to me like I am seeing more and more of them everywhere. But maybe I am just better at detecting them. Sounds like you are still married to one. I was for 12 years. The one thing I've learned is that you can overcome them. That's the whole mission on this earth. Hit me with your best shot. Is that all you've got? Laugh at the dog. Starve the dog (false ego) and feed the true self. I have seen one (just 1) come out of it. You do have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. You can not give something that you do not have. Trying to love someone when you do not have love to give only creates more codependency. If I want to give you $100 but I don't have $100 to give.Then in order for me to give it to you, I must go into debt to do so. Same with love. You have to get it from the Source before you have any to give. Everything else is just a "love cry". Keep feeding your true self and strengthening yourself and keep laughing at the dog.

  7. One more comment. These guys have NO power but what is given to them. Remember David and Goliath? That was a metaphor for this. The Phillistines sent their biggest, badest dude and everyone (except David) trembled. David KNEW himself. His attitude was "Is that all you've got?" Their power is all based on deception. It was like the Mike Tyson fight with Evander Holyfield. Evander won not by a punch he gave but rather by a punch he took. Mike had always knocked out his opponants by an upper hook shot. In round 2, Evander got caught off guard and Mike connected THAT punch on Evander. Evander realized that was the one. That was the punch- the dreaded punch. He stepped back, shook his head and glared at Mike. "That was IT? That is ALL you've got?" It demoralized Mike for Mike was all ego. Same with these guys. When you know who you are and take one of those punches and let them know "That was it? That is ALL you've got?" It exposes them and they run away like a whipped puppy with it's tail between it's legs. Remember to stay in control by being the one who asks the questions. If they ask you a question, answer it with one? Figure out their game and use it against them. But get yourself out of "love debt" first or you are incapacitatied.

  8. Thank you, Anonymous for your comments. I agree that we (those of us involved with Ns) can overcome their power over us. I was doing pretty well with my N, once I figured out what he was. However, many of them are also creating financial nightmares, and that is more difficult to control. The more we try to control these guys and their impulses, the harder they squirm. It didn't work AT ALL with my nightmare--he continued to make his mess, dragging me with him, until he could do no more and he simply ran off, leaving me holding the bag.

    If you're very, very strong, you can let his insults and demoralizing criticisms roll off you. Even though I thought I had my situation under control with respect to how he made me feel, I didn't even realize how much under his dark cloud I still was until after he left. Then the sun came back out.

  9. Reading examples if others experiences has really helped me so I'd like to share a person story of a typical vacation with my husband.
    We went to his parent house for Christmas. We had been separated the previous year and I FOOLISHLY told him that I feel a out if place. He Immediately gets furious and says, why because of my fucked up parents? Why do you always have to be so negative, I said I was sorry
    and I just missed my family and so on. He wouldn't hear another word from me and ignored me, literally, All damn day. Just before we opened gifts he was in the living room alone so I went and sat right up agains him and asked if he was ready to talk to me, just then our nephew skips through the room and he very cheerfully says "hi little buddy." He absolutely made me invisible. While opening gifts he would sweetly smile at me in front of the family but still no direct communication. When te kids went to bed I announced to everyone that I was going to bed too....he then speaks his first words to me, in front of the whole family, "O come on Baby, don't go bed, stay up with up and have some fun." So I look like a dud and he manages to come off as the sweet, loving perfect man.
    When we discussed it later he said that I hurt his feelings and made him feel defensive and he was sorry but the day had nothing to do with me. Oooook?!

  10. Hi Anonymous,

    Oh yes, that sounds familiar. My Hero was very good at making me look bad in front of his family. He was also good at making himself look like a saint in front of others and me like a bitch. He was quick to twist an innocent comment into something with hidden meaning. These guys are so awful. The amazing thing is, I'm so not like that, neither are you (I'm sure) and neither are the other victims of these monsters!

    Here are some examples and I'd bet you all will recognize yourselves: I go out of my way to make someone, even him, feel included. I tried to be solicitous of his feelings. I tried very hard not to make offensive comments (once I knew what his issue was). In fact, I weighed just about everything I said before I said it, trying to gauge if I was about to say something that might set him off. Often it would, for no reason! No reason that I, a rational, sane person, could detect.

    I wish we could cure the world of these guys. There are so many, I'm beginning to feel overwhelmed.....thanks for writing....I know exactly what you've been through with your monster...........toree

  11. Reading all these posts makes you feel not alone. My Hero also swept me off my feet. Wanted to get married 6 months after we met. I was young and dumb, and thought he really loved me. For our honeymoon we went to Florida and I will never forget as long as I live, the Wednesday morning I woke up, it was like I married a different person. This is where it started, he threaten to leave me in Florida because he had the money.

    I have been married 36 years. It is like being poisoned every so often. Characteristics with a NPD: they will lie about you to get sympathy from others. And it is true, you do think your going nuts at times. You may think you marriage is okay and someone will approach you and said Hero told them otherwise. They tell you okay to do something and then throw it in your face later. They are superior to everyone else, and in their mind are better than others. They will call you every rotten name in the book, and when the melt down subsides act like nothing happen. My Hero will twists words around and lie about what happen to make sure in his mind he comes out on top. If your hurt, Hero always hurts worst. They have a sick sense of humor especially at your expense. I have been physically and verbal abused. Last time he hit me I called the police, he lied out of it to the Police. I threw him out, and he begged to come back and he would change. That didn't last long however he did keep his hands off me, but not his mouth.

    What I would tell any young girl,as soon as you see these signs, to run and run fast. By the time I understood NPD, I am older. But Hero did succeed at making my life a living hell, and they will not change. Since I was the bread winner in the family, because he either got fired or changed jobs, and relied on my income. It's getting a little late in the game to start over for me, but please young girls leave.

  12. Thank you so much for writing, Anonymous. You hit the nail on the head when you say, "please young girls leave."

    I had another girl tell me that on her honeymoon she was shocked and horrified to learn that she had married a monster. That's how quickly some of these guys let you know you've been had. And yet still we stay! I think partly because marriage is such a big thing. It's not that simple to just say, "oops, I made a mistake", and walk away. (However, it would have been much simpler had we done it then, rather than waiting years and years like we ended up doing!) But we're madly in love with these guys and are willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, again and again.

    Also, we were chosen with care. These guys know that we are going to bend over backwards trying to please them. They know their craft. They can sense (I think rather like animals--they pick us out on instinct) that we are the perfect, manipulable victim. We try to please. We forgive. We are nurturers. We are susceptible to criticism. And we believe that if we just try harder, our prince will become a prince again. Wrong, wrong.

    It's not too late for you, Anonymous. But only you can decide if you will take the steps to remove the poison from your life. You might be surprised how much life you have left in you, especially if you remove the canker from your daily existence.

    And thank you for joining me in my attempt to warn people. You are not alone in your trials with your husband.

  13. Hi,

    I'm 18yrs into my marriage with my narcissist husband. I'm tired, lonely, empty and afraid. I have 2 kids 17 and 13. We walk on egg shells because we don't know when the ugly headed monster will appear. Because when he does life is hell for day's at a time. We are afraid to eat, talk, sleep be in his presents.

    He has everyone fooled we go to church every Sunday and attend bible study on Wednesday. I have tried talking to my pastor about it but he says stay and we can work on it. Everyone thinks he is so wonderful. Good looking. Funny. Happy. Just a joy to be around. But they don't know the real monster inside him.

    If I don't back him up when he is yelling at the kids he starts yelling at me. So many lies, hurt and manipulating games has consumed our marriage. I want to believe his lies because hit hurts to bad to believe the truth.

    A few things I have endured the past years.

    1. Told me he didn't want to be married to a fat wife and I was a size 8 after giving birth to two kids.
    2. Cheating on me on business trips.
    3. Telling me I dress like a old lady.
    4. Throwing shows of mine away because they are white.
    5. Cheating on me before we got married in my own house.
    6. When the kids was young I could go anywhere with him because he didn't want to take the kids in and out of the car seat.
    7. I don't answer the phone when he calls.
    A. He calls the neighbors to make sure I'm home.
    B. He calls both kids even if they are in school.
    C. He gets so made he yells make insults.
    8. Before we go out he has to approve my outfit.
    9. He monitor my phone calls.
    10. He goes in my purse.
    11. I cant tell you how many time he said I need to exercise.
    12. He don't like having sex with me because I'm not attractive.
    13. I'm lazy.
    14. I'm a bad mom.
    15. No one would want me because of my breast.
    16. He told my daughter he don't want to be seen with me because people may think his with a boy.
    17. Caught him going over one of our neighbors house 4 o'clock in the morning when her husband was out of town for a beer. And he don't even drink beer.

    This is just what I can remember off the top of my head. He is never available for me when I'm sick or having surgery or even after I gave birth to his kids. I'm at the point of despair and pray a many of night for God to take me. I'm tired of living. I have no goals no ambition no hope no love no support no life no happiness.

    1. Hi Anonymous,

      It's very common for other people not to believe you because the N is so skilled at putting on his public "pretty face". But I believe you and I would like to clock your pastor over the head. I actually went to two counselors with my nightmare and was told by both of them that I complained too much and that my husband was fine with the way things were. So I know how you feel.

      The trouble is, I knew that my husband was not well, that it was not me, and that they were wrong. I'm concerned that you have resigned yourself to your fate and you feel that you have no options, no hope.

      This is so common. You have been put down, berated, subdued, depressed, dominated and controlled by your husband who is supposed to cherish you above all other for so long you don't even know who you are anymore. But you are still there! And you can't let him beat you.

      One thing I have learned about this disorder, you CANNOT work on it! Your husband CANNOT be fixed. Tell your pastor that. Have him read some of this blog. I can send you links to other information. It will help you so much if you can find yourself an alliance, someone who believes you and can help you. Really, you would be surprised at how much better you would feel if you could find a way to get away from him. And your children, too. It's not healthy for them to have to live in such a toxic environment.

      But you need to be careful. Your husband may become dangerous if you try to leave him. Make your plan carefully. Take little steps. Start looking at help-wanted ads. Dress yourself up pretty and do a couple interviews. To have someone look at you as a valuable person might do wonders for your spirit, even if you don't get the job.

      You have options. It won't be easy, especially if you have been a housewife and don't have marketable skills. It's hard to make enough money to survive and support a family. Enlist the help of the children. Try not to talk badly about their father to them. Let them know that Dad is not well, he can't help himself, his mind is broken and we have to get away from him. Let them know that his treatment of you and them is not your/their fault. Dad is sick, that's all there is to it. There is nothing you can do to help him, to change him.

      Have your pastor email me. Seriously, I would be willing to have a dialog with him. Even talk on the phone. If he is someone you feel you can look to for help, he needs to be convinced that you speak the truth. If he won't believe, find someone else.

      And let me know how you are doing! You are not alone. There are so, so many women who have been where you are now. You can get away and begin a new life. It won't be easy, not at all, but it can be done............toree

  14. I find the stories and support everyone has shared here to be so helpful; they have inspired me to share mine. I too have just "diagnosed" my husband with NPD. Unlike most, my husband and I were together for 10 years (off and on) before getting married. We have been married now for 4 years, and 2 months ago I found the courage and strength to moved out.

    Throughout our relationship there were huge red flags, but that charm of his always won me back. He would call me names, put me down, explode in anger, twist reality to the point that I was thinking I was the crazy one. He pretended to be someone he wasn't, liked to brag about himself, and if there was a mirror around while we were having a conversation he would stare at himself in the mirror and talk instead of looking at me.
    He lost his job soon after we were married and In four years has not paid one bill, has not bought one bag of groceries and has managed to burn through $80,000 of my money.
    During the first year of our marraige my mother's heath took a turn for the worst. I was working full time, then going straight to the hospital after work to care for my dying mother, to then finally go home to collapse into bed at night. I did this everday for months. My husbands response to this most difficult time was to get angry because I was not paying enough attention to him, so he moved out. yup, what a class act!
    I always suspected he had had affairs but could never prove it until one fatefull day in June. He forgot his cell phone at home one day - something he NEVER does. My intuition was screaming at me, so I started going through his phone. I ended up finding a craigslist ad he posted looking for sex. Not just sex, but gay sex. I also found a response (picture and all) and communications back and forth for them to "hook" up.

    Did you hear that? That was my life falling apart.

    I confronted him with it. He admitted to the post, denied being gay and blamed me because, once agian, I wasn't paying enough attention to him. He said nothing ever came of it, that he would never actually go through with it. I lasted another month after that day, but just could not do it anymore.
    These two months apart have given me the gift of clarity. It is now that I realize I was in a hopeless situation, that nothing was ever going to change and that I deserved so much more. He's a narcisit, a psychological vampire that can never be satiated.
    The next "adventure" will be the divorce proceedings. I feel the danger in every fiber of my being. I know he will try to do more damage to me, I just don't know how yet. I'll keep you posted...
    Thanks for reading my story, I feel better sharing it and not keeping his dirty little secrets any more (something his is still asking me to do for him)

    1. Thank you, Anonymous, for sharing your story, one that is so familiar to all of us. It's amazing how quickly you begin to see clearly once the poison is out of your immediate vicinity.

      You are right that he will try to do everything he can in the divorce from you. Hopefully he finds himself without any power and he won't do any more financial damage to you.

      Maybe try doing your own divorce? Forget the lawyers and the proceedings and the dividing of the assets. It sounds like the assets are yours anyway. If he has any decency left in him at all, perhaps you can convince him to just walk away. Fill out the divorce papers yourself, you can get them from your state's court system. No lawyer necessary.

      My husband also lost his "power" job shortly after our marriage (about 2 months in) and that's when the hell really began. Then, after he ran away, he tried serving me with divorce papers, attempting to take half of MY assets (he had come into the marriage with nothing.) Fortunately, I had already divorced him, he just didn't know it. Had I not responded to his divorce petition, and had we not already been divorced, he could have won by default, which is, of course, exactly what he was hoping for.

      These men are the lowest of the low. I still am so surprised that there are so many of them. But you have made the decision to escape and I'm glad. Some stay and stay and stay, hoping for change, which, like you said, will NEVER happen.

      You're not alone and do keep us posted. I hope you can sever the legal ties to him without too much trouble........toree

  15. I am sitting here reading everyone's stories. My eyes are filled with tears and I can barley breathe. I have just figured out that I am married to a N as well. We met when i was in college. He was 20 years older and swept me off mu feet. He send roses to my job every day for 30 days, bought me designer clothing and took me to Italy a month into dating. He made me believe we had everthing in common, which turns out was all a lie. His firt outburst was when were only dating. He went from prince charming to a monster within seconds. We werw at a hotel out of the country when he threw me out of the room by my hair at 2 am for no resaon. I was completly blindsided by this. I stayed and he didn't have another episode until after we were married a year later. It is now 13 years of a sexless, mind playing, abusive relationship. We have a 10 year old son and this relationship is killing me. He has full control finnancially and i hsve no family where i live. I need to finally stand up for myself . I have no strength left to fight with him. He makes anything important to me into a fight. I know know he will never change...

  16. Hi Anonymous. Take heart, I think the lowest point in life with an N is when you finally see what he is. It gets better from here. Not for him, not for the two of you or for your relationship, but for you. I still remember the sinking feeling when I started to realize that there was something really wrong with my husband, that I couldn't fix it, no matter how hard I tried, and that he was going to royally screw me over like I was starting to see he had done to so many others before me.

    That said, now that you know, you can make a plan. You will grow stronger just from knowing. You will finally be able to accept that the problems aren't you, they all stem from him and his sickness. Just knowing these things will help you, I swear.

    You may decide to stay with him and find ways to work around his sickness. Or you may decide to make a plan to leave. Either way is not easy but your knowledge is power right now.

    Now that you KNOW, you will be able to look at him with different eyes. He won't have as much power over you. You will learn to let his abuses roll off you. Of course, the best thing to do is get away from him but that is not always possible, especially not when you have a child.

    Perhaps make some financial plans on the sly. Learn a trade. Take some on-line classes or at a local community college. Even a university. Tell him that you are bored and want to expand your mind. He won't like it, he'll recognize it for what it is but you will figure ways around it.

    Good luck and please keep up posted, let us know how you are.....toree

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  19. I compare my narcissistic husband to a 6 year old (evil) robot. A robot who has the ability to learn but only where it suites him. All gifts, compliments and anything that makes me feel good or safe or relaxed is actually a move to soften the Love can't effect him like most humans. He is a robot. He could be married to a literall saint and she would be crazy too, and everyone would believe that she was crazy.
    My robot is tall, handsome, charming, very funny....If you met him at a party it would be hard to believe those kind blue eyes and sexy/cool exterior were hiding a total shell of a man. Below my anger is such sadness that he can't be reached. That he'll never be who I thought he was and more than that, he is a sad empty person inside who will never get free.

    1. I so relate with the robot reference. AKA (Tin-man). He can only imitate affection.

  20. Hi Anonymous,

    I can so relate. Especially your last two lines. I felt the same for my husband. I came to the awareness slowly that he had something that I couldn't fix, that no one could fix, not even him and that we could never have the life together that I had envisioned.

    I also knew that I could escape his hell but he never could.

    Even though he took off over two years ago, I still work on him and have made no progress whatsoever. I guess that is a measure of my insanity--continuing to try, even though I know it's hopeless!

    One thing I'm also coming to the awareness of is that he can't help himself. He has created a fantasy world for himself and he believes in it. He gets angry when I try to puncture it. He's protecting himself from all that he has done and cannot face.

    Since I have concluded that he can't help himself, and I know there are people who will not agree with me and this may not pertain to all Ns, I have to forgive him for his atrocious behavior and pray that his soul at least, will find its way into the light, at some point....

  21. My ex-N tried ti have me committed to a mental health hospital because I criticized him (a private conversation just between the 2 of us - at home). I didn't realize the extent of their WRATH. It was like he suddenly declared war on me. That was 3 months into our marriage, when the mask slipped. Of course he didn't succeed with his silly plot, but ended up getting caught red-handed manipulating counselors, family & "friends" - he made such a ass of himself! We were only married for 9 months. He refused to apologize & take responsibility for all his mess, so I divorced him. Really, what crazy stunt would he try next? N's live to play the "mentally ill" card with their spouses - to invalidate & discredit when the spouse sees through their mask. As humiliating as it was for me, it's better than ending up murdered, like Lori Hacking! In the end, my mental health was assured - his was in serious question! The best irony is that he worked so hard manipulating to not look bad, and in the process made himself look far worse than any criticism I made of him which he feared I'd "leak!"

    1. Hi Anonymous,

      You are one of the lucky, and wise, people who chose to escape rather quickly upon seeing the "real" him. Many of us make excuses for our spouse's behavior and proceed to try to "fix" him, which of course cannot be done.

      What we end up doing is digging ourselves in deeper, prolonging our agony and essentially accomplishing nothing!

      So kudos to you for getting out fast! You did the right thing. Don't ever look back and count this as a lesson well learned. You will probably not get yourself sucked in by an N ever again...............toree

  22. Oh, it was not easy - but I put my head before my heart and knew what was right to do. Divorcing was the hardest thing I ever did. It tiok many years to start "seeing" and feeling how right a choice that was. What nearly drove me "crazy" was trying to REASON with him - he'd just stare at me. It was like a bad dream where you're screaming and no one hears you though they're right in front of you. And typical of say speaking a different language for example, we UP THE VOLUME if there is no response or acknowledgment from the other person. I was going crazy with reasoning to this N. i finally concluded he geard and understood - just enjoyed the attention from me TRYING SO HARD and looking CRAZY. Come on - he had a master's degree in Computer Science - of course he can reason! He just didn't want to REASON - he wanted his crazy way. So I went NC and filed - he "contested" it, but was talked out of it by his attorney - who thought he was a real "girly-man." all the while I stayed silent - to this day. One year after the divorce I saw him twice (on the street) - he looked like the poster-child for Major Depression - and EMACIATED - and unkempt. I, on the other hand, started looking BETTER AND BETTER! Hmmm - he was fat & happy as the abuser - I was healthier as the EX VICTIM! I guess N's are "healthiest" when they have a victim to power-over. Anyway, he didn't marry again for another 13 years - this time to an Oriental woman a few years younger then he with no apparent family connections (mail-order bride?)

  23. I say he "contested" the divorce - meaning that he still thought he could control - that I had no right - that everyone would be on his side against little me. There was no legal ground to contest a no-fault divorce in which no joint assets, property or even children were involved. We left with what we brought 9 months before - each our own car and the clothes on our backs. Nothing to "settle" financially or legally. He was CRAZY to "contest." my lawyer was floored - she said it was unprecedented. How he distinguished himself - LOL!

    Also, marrying an Oriental woman who likely is an immigrant gives him more control, and culturally she may not likely assert herself or challenge him - or even catch on to his grandiose lies about himself. That may be why they are still married. Hey, if it "works" for both of them, so be it.

  24. Hi Anonymous, Very is never easy leaving them. Yet when we look back, we wonder why we stayed as long as we did. I too wonder about the little oriental woman he married. If she's fresh off the boat, so to speak, she will be very accommodating and easy to manipulate at first. But I have seen this happen....once these women get here and start to see the way of Americans, they become empowered and can learn to be feisty. Which I hope she will.

    Thanks for contributing!

  25. I am divorcing a narcissist. It has been a living nightmare. I am American, but I live in a small Caribbean country. The level of psychiatric understanding of NPD is limited at best. Does anyone have clinical "evidence" of what forcing children to "love their parent" does to a child? My children do not want to go to their father, they are starting to hate him because the court is forcing this relationship all of a sudden upon them. I believe the children DO need some sort of relationship with him (they do love him, and he loves them) but as you know, it isn't a normal love. He hurts them constantly and they told me it would be nice if "they could see Daddy a few hours twice a month!" help...anyone have a similar issue??

    1. Hi. I don't know is you will get this. I am also an American woman who had a long distance relationship with a guy from the carribean and I think he had NPD. I used to make the excuse of his culture difference for his bad attitude and bad treatment he acting on me.

    2. Hi. I don't know is you will get this. I am also an American woman who had a long distance relationship with a guy from the carribean and I think he had NPD. I used to make the excuse of his culture difference for his bad attitude and bad treatment he acting on me.

    3. Hi uniafrica,
      If you think he is NPD, he probably is. If he exhibits any of the behaviors, he is probably not worth it. If you feel that you are struggling against things that aren't fair, it is not worth it. He won't change.
      Only you can decide if the good in him (because he does have good points, otherwise you would have ended it long ago!) outweighs the bad.

  26. I have been reading different experiences trying to figure out if I am married to a narcissist. Nine years now. Started the same way trips and jewelry gave my kids attention. I found out by his mom that he was the cheater in his previous 24 year marriage where he told me she was the one that cheated. Then we were in Reno last day of the trip and I tried to explain to him I was a little afraid of giving my heart totally and he flew into a rage stomped away from me wouldn't talk to me at the airport except to call me a lush and a bitch! Then I wanted to go to Vegas with my mom and daughter and he hates it but I went anyway he called and sent negativity to the point we couldn't even enjoy the trip. When I got home shortly after I found an earring not mine In my bed.. This was a fight and the next day I was taking my daughter shopping for her bday and the store said my card was reported stolen. He said if you have bad behavior you have bad consequences. One time the mattress had been turned and I asked him about it and he said I don't remember maybe I did. He has a very limited relationship with his grown children so I have never been able to get close. Anytime we have a fight he tells his family really horrible things about me. He has gotten so enraged he will slam on his breaks and begin screaming, if I talk to another man he gets embarrassingly nasty in public. I paid for us all to go to Vegas him me and my daughter... My parents met us there and he was in a negative mood the whole time picked fights with me and when we got home he threw a fit about how my son took care of the yard. Recently I wanted to go on a weekend getaway with girl friends and he threw a fit that my son heard and my son was so upset he told me when we were alone crying... That he just wanted it all to end. I explained this to my husband and felt like my son and I both deserved a sincere apology. He did apologize to my son but every time I tried to get him to understand how I felt he would get mad and say " I need to be heard too" nothing is ever his fault no accountability. I begged him not to upset my son again, he just said don't threaten me and my son picked up on the vibes. He feels like he has to protect me because my husband is a large man. He stayed out all night one time when I wanted to go to the movies with a friend. He said "if you can do that then I can do whatever I want too" he said he took some of a new supplement I had just ordered and had to pull over and sleep in someone's drive way. Then told his mom I tried to kill him! The last straw he went out the other night and put his ring finger on his right hand and. Forget to put it back. I asked him about it and he said " what! It fell off at 2 in the morning and I just put it back on. I asked him if I could see his phone and he told me to get out of his face. I am moving out but he says one night I don't want you to leave and he will even cry... The next day he wants to know if I can be out by the 15th. What is going on here? He has always been a good provider and sometimes it feels like he is very in love with me. He wants to take weekend trips and have role play sex all the time. I think he would be interested in swinging if I were into it... He belongs it up as a fantasy. Any help would be so greatly appreciated.

  27. Hi Neversureanymofe,

    I can tell that your husband is difficult, to say the least. And as an outsider looking in, I say: Run as fast as you can! That's the short answer.

    Sadly, your husband has shown a pattern and he WILL NOT CHANGE! That is a true story. He will not. I don't care how badly he wants you to stay. He will be Mr. Wonderful for a while, but he can't keep it up.

    I think the darkest hour is when you realize there is something terribly wrong with your husband that you just can't fix. Then you have to decide what to do.

    Do I keep on struggling, trying to make a reasonable life with someone who is completely unreasonable and unfair, or do I cut my losses and get the hell out?

    Those are essentially your two choices and only you can decide.

    I know that it will not get better, only worse. So many people told me to cut my losses with my pathetic husband but I couldn't do it. I knew my story was not going to end well, but I could not act.

    I was VERY lucky in that he just ran away one day. Very lucky. I might still be locked in hell with him had he not taken off.

    Also, it sounds as if your husband may potentially be violent? That is not something to mess with and his potential for violence will only increase.

    Another thing....yes, these men "love" as much as they are able. That is how we are fooled into marrying them--they truly do love us.

    The sad thing is, their love is something we can't understand. Their love is not deep or profound or spiritual. It is simply because you are convenient and you reflect back to him how wonderful he is. Once you start realizing what he truly is and begin to reflect back his true ugliness, his "love" will change in a quick hurry. You will become a burden and something to be hated and reviled. That's when it gets are no longer of any value to him at all.

    Be careful and let me know how you are doing...

  28. I'm hoping this blog is still active. I'm living the hell of being married to a narcissistic and can't get out

  29. Hi Unknown,
    Without more information, I can't offer much but here is an idea. When confronted with an enormous, seemingly insurmountable task, take it in small bites. You can't solve the entire problem all at once. There are few things as large as leaving the N.

    Start by just thinking. Let your mind ponder this impossible task. Think every day. You will be amazed...once you have decided to solve this problem, small solutions will come to you.
    Take each step, one by one. Perhaps consult a lawyer, find out your options.
    Gather a support system, let your family know you need to get out and ask for their help.
    Start accumulating money (if at all possible).
    Polish your resume.
    Look in the paper for available jobs/apartments.

    These are just ideas as I don't know your situation.

    Know that you are not alone. Little by little you will solve this problem! You will figure out a way. And little by little, once you get away from his toxic presence, you will begin to feel more human, more hopeful about the future.

    Another thing...if you really can't physically get away right now, take yourself away mentally. Know that you are amazing and you will prevail, know that he is sick, know that what he thinks about you or what he tells you about yourself--is not true!! His negative comments about/actions toward you are not about you!! They are all about his own sickness.

    Let us know how you are...........toree

  30. Thank you for replying to my concern I'll give you a little bit more information I just couldn't last night I was laying in bed and I can't type that much we've been married or eight years we have A5 year old little son I have other children from previous marriage older teenage girls that live with us so they get to experience that should say get to you they have to experience my husband he's cruel he's an alcoholic he's a true narcissist I'm a registered nurse and I've done a lot of research on this I used to work site very a little bit but he kind of fits all the traits to a tee I can't physically get out right now because of our son and I do emotionally and mentally kind of lock myself off to him it's easier for me to do it then it is for my girls too of course they're teenagers they don't quite understand all of this yet or how to do it I know I'm not alone I know there are a lot of other spouses that have to deal with narcissistic husbands or wives sometimes it's just nice to know what other things maybe I can do you know when he's gaslighting or you know coming down my throat it's something minor what are other ways to just turn away and not let him get to me emotionally

  31. 100 things that I do always wonder if he was such a prince charming our first year together prior to marriage and then it'll after marriage when we had our son he became this awful cruel person and everywhere I've read a gas or a narcissist will kind of discard you when you no longer meet his needs which I'm pretty sure I no longer meet those needs but I think the only reason he keeps me around is because he would have no clue how to raise our son and he thinks for some reason that years down the road he's going to inherit something that I have otherwise I'm not sure why I'm even still with him

  32. Hi Di,

    Thank goodness you have a career and will be able to support yourself. You have options. Yes, it is much harder when you have children.
    Only you can help your daughters to understand that it is not THEM, it is HIS problem. Point them to information on the web. Enlist their help in planning to get away.

    The only way to solve the problem is to get away from him. He won't change, you can't fix him, he will only get worse.

    At some point, you become of no value to him, as you have discovered. He doesn't even try any more to keep his "mask" on. This is because you know what he is. You are not reflecting back to him what a "prince" he is because you know better.

    This is not conscious--it just happens. It happens to all of us. For a time, perhaps a long time, we long for the prince to return. Then there comes a time when we realize the prince is not ever coming back because he in fact did not ever exist.

    You can do it! Just think and plan every day. Slowly, a plan will begin to emerge in your mind and you can begin to act on it.

    You have to find your inner power. It's there, it's just been buried in the ugliness that was created by your N.

    Yes, he will badmouth you to everyone, he will twist stories until you think you are crazy. Dig deep and summon your inner power.

    You can do this to some extent when you are still with him. The only way to really get free is to limit time spent with him. More difficult, with a child you have to share.

    Good luck. Even the creation of giant structures has a beginning, consisting of a multitude of steps. One step at a time.

    1. Thank you. It's late now otherwise I would type more. It helps to know I'm not crazy. I do need a plan

  33. Hi everyone, i believe this might help some people here..
    I have had a lot about Dr Shaka and his good works in bringing back lost relationships and restoring life, but i never believed in spell casters to get back my husband who left me and three kids over three months ago. so a good friend of mine introduced me to Dr Shaka spell just because my condition was so bad and the responsibilities on my head were more than me. My husband left me for another woman probably because he doesn’t love me anymore, so i emailed Dr via his email ( ) and told him everything, he told me not to worry that my husband will come back. He only told me to believe in him that after casting the spell my husband will come back immediately and beg for forgiveness. Dr Shaka actually did it for me and my husband came back to me within three days and i am very happy and all thanks goes to Dr Shaka. I promised Dr Shaka that i will share this testimony to every one if he make me to be happy with my husband again. and he did it, so that is why i am sharing this testimony to every one out here. Now i am the happiest woman on earth because Dr Shaka restored my marriage. You can also contact him via his email ( ). he can also heal any type of sickness and diseases, court case winning spell, addiction cases, and many more.

  34. uh huh....fellow readers, I could delete this post, but I believe in free speech, unless it is obviously damaging. I would take the above post regarding "spells" with a grain of salt.
    And anyway, most of us do not want to reconcile with our toxic husbands--we want to get away and stay away!