Friday, April 12, 2013

....and "The Rest of the Story".....

Wow, I am about a zillion years older than when I started this blog two years ago. But I'm also many, many years wiser. And here is the rest of the story......

For those just tuning in, I married a narcissist and I have spelled out the story of life with him. When I began this blog, we were still married and living together. For this writing, I refer to him as "Hero".

Once I "diagnosed" him, I decided that being equipped with knowledge was all I needed in order to "manage" him and our lives together. Wrong!

As time went on, I became very certain that my story was not going to have a happy ending but I truly did not know what to do. I felt completely trapped and defeated. I became mouse-like, did not argue, let him do whatever he wanted, did not complain that he was not contributing financially, etc.

He told me that he needed to "keep all his money because he was working on some things to secure our future". I was grateful that he at least was paying the loan payments on the truck and the trailer--two very large loans that were in my name. I wanted to get rid of him; after all, he was living in my house rent-free, not contributing, surly as hell and no fun at all. However, I was terrified that he would abandon the truck and the trailer and that would be over $1000 more per month that I would have to come up with and I knew that would sink me even faster than I was already sinking.

So I kept my mouth shut, about everything. Avoided any topics that could possibly start a fight. He was making several trips to another state at this time, supposedly to work but he never came back with any money, at least not for me. He said he was working on a big job that would pay off big later. Uh huh.

We did have one fight one night. I asked him when he was going to give me some money. And I also wanted to know how much it was going to be. I was expecting at least $1000 but he said something like $300. I made the mistake of saying, "That's it?" He says, "That's all you're gonna get", and I made the mistake of saying, "Why?" or some other stupid thing like that. Then he said, "Fine, I won't give you anything then." I must say I lost it. I called him every name in the book. I was so tired of having to treat him like a king when I had to take his bullshit like that.

You see, he was holding all the cards. He was the one who was going to make the kind of money that could pay for things like a $10,000 credit card bill (all his, in the name of his "business"), who could pay for the $50K truck and the $40K fancy 30-foot trailer, the $30K time share, etc. All these things I had entered into with him, loans in my name, with the expectation that he would pay. He knew that all this stuff was in my name and that there was no way I could earn enough to pay for it all. He had me over a barrel and he knew it. I was like a bug, pinned to the ground. squirming and praying for mercy.

So I let myself lose it. I was really at the end of my rope. I told him we had to get a divorce. He said fine, bring me the papers. I said I just happen to have some right here, I've had them for awhile. We signed the papers, which I had already drawn up. Myself, since I couldn't afford an attorney.

The next day, I told him I needed the money to file the divorce papers, it was $300 and I didn't have it. He said he would give it to me later. I said fine, I guess we can't get divorced then. I acted like I was rethinking the whole divorce thing. As soon as he left, I drove down the mountain and filed the papers!

I got the divorce decree in the mail about three weeks later. It was the only power I had. We were divorced and the son of a bitch didn't know it. We lived together another year after that.

I was still trying to live life as normally as possible so I tried to plan a camping trip for the summer. I have a disabled son and I signed him up for camp so that I could have a week free. I informed Hero of the dates. I cleaned the trailer and I wanted to take it camping, make it easy on myself. The date is getting closer and closer and Hero won't commit to the camping trip. He's resisting for some reason. I gave up and made my own plans. He was so incredibly nasty during this time. Making trips to Utah. Paying minimal amounts on my credit card (which I finally took away from him--the balance being about $9K, all his).

The date came close and he asked me what my plans were, who I was going camping with, who I was going to be "fucking". His words. I said I tried and tried to get you to go camping with me but instead I am going away by myself with my dog. He said, I won't be here when you get back from your "fucking" trip. I said, "Whatever". At this point, I knew I was never going to get any money out of him so I might as well get his miserable self out of my house.

He did leave. He took off with the trailer, the truck, the boat that I had bought early in the marriage that he was supposed to pay me for but never did, the generator that I bought, a computer that I had left him use along with the desk, and many, many other things. He kindly left for me the time share, which was costing me  hundreds of dollars every month that I couldn't afford and would never have time to use. He left me with the $9K on my credit card. He left me with making payments on the $5,000 accident he had caused, which I couldn't turn over to my insurance for many reasons which I shouldn't state publicly and he was gone, baby gone.

Remember, he'd been telling me that "he needed all his money for a big project he was working on to secure 'our' future"...... Uh huh. He secured a future, all right--his own! All those trips to Utah were spent setting himself up. I even learned that he gave his ex-wife money on one of those trips, yet he had no money to help his current "wife" (heh heh) with household expenses.

So now I was facing the moment of truth. Was I going to be able to continue to carry all this debt? I had been for a year anyway. But was he going to continue to pay the truck and trailer payments? It would be very easy for him to disappear with them, leaving me to deal with the payments, or repossession,  getting liens against my house, etc. I was so afraid. And I was completely drained. Living with him for four years sapped everything I had--financially, emotionally, spiritually. I felt like a dead person.

Well, he continued to make the payments. I have to give him credit for that. He graciously allowed me to continue making the insurance payments. And the credit card payments. And the payments for the accident he caused. I asked him to return the items he took that he shouldn't have. He said he would. Surprise, he hasn't. But he's making the payments on the truck and the trailer, combined $1100/month, enough to sink my overloaded battle ship if he stops. So again, I keep my mouth shut and be grateful for the crumbs he has left me with. But is anyone thinking what I'm thinking? Heh heh. Can't say it publicly......

I began investigating him to see if there was any way I could somehow force him to pay me what he owed me. Every day I was more sick to my stomach as to what I found. Almost every day I uncovered another atrocious thing that he had done in the short time he lived here. In short, he was conning many, many other people. He owed tens of thousands of dollars to over a dozen other victims. It was a nightmare. I could not believe this had been occurring, right under my very nose.

I contacted the FBI. I documented everything he had done, all the people he owed. all the people he had screwed over, the amounts. and nada. The FBI is not interested until you get over $2 million. A half mil doesn't mean squat. It was heart breaking. There was nothing I could do. I also learned that he'd had multiple lawsuits against him, and no one had ever recovered a dime. I may as well not even bother. He goes underground, under the radar, etc. No cash or assets anywhere to be found. Scum of the earth and this is who I married.

Please understand the power of the narcissist. He (or she) can get you to believe anything! I was not the only person he fooled. So many people thought he was the salt of the earth, bent over backwards to give, give, give--expecting to be rewarded with profits in return, and he screwed them royally. The feeling you get when you know you've been had is indescribable. If you've never been fooled, then lucky you. These guys are GOOD. My husband could charm the panties off a lesbian.

A few months after he left, I was served with divorce papers from an attorney in Utah. My darling "husband" was seeking half my assets! Did not say anything about division of debts but very clearly stated that he was entitled to half of MY assets, investment accounts, bank accounts, etc. This from the guy who entered the marriage with ABSOLUTELY NOTHING--NOT EVEN A FUCKING CAR!!!

Sorry, sometimes I get carried away.....Anyway, did I have fun with that document. I responded with a multi-page document, all legal, using legalese, did not use a lawyer, point by point refuting everything in his document. In addition, I wrote a lengthy letter, very civil, to his lawyer, with copies of all HIS bills, unpaid, that were still coming to my house (in the hundreds of thousands of dollars), a copy of the report I had created for the FBI, and a clear message that I hoped he collected his fee up-front because Hero left his last lawyer UNPAID, and I included a copy of that poor lawyer's bill. Yes, Hero fooled even a lawyer into working on his hopeless case (he lost--another judgement against Hero that will never get paid), and then he stiffed his lawyer! This guy's a gem.

Anyway, so all this to the divorce attorney, a copy of the pertinent documents also to the court. If I didn't respond by a certain date the documents stated that he would win by default. Half MY assets!

And the very last line of all these documents that I created, this legal document that I sent to the court and to his lawyer, said "By the way, we are already legally divorced in the State of Nevada" to which I attached a copy of the decree.

It took me several hours to create this document but it was worth it!

The moral of this story is: There will be no happy ending with your narcissist. He is going to screw you, it's just a matter of "How much?". He is going to destroy your sense of self, your self-esteem, possibly your finances, your heart, your mind, your soul.

I tried to keep mine as a pet. I really did. I thought that I could manage him once I knew what I was dealing with. I'm a very capable person. Not stupid. Not a genius but probably above-average intelligence. And this guy, who boasts an IQ of 80, if that--got me good. Fooled me completely. Took me to the cleaners. Played me like a violin.

My next post (and I swear I won't take two years to make it) will be more about the progress I've made within myself since the darkest cloud of my entire life was lifted (when he left). About what I've learned from the communications with so many people who've found this blog and took the time to email me.

Essentially my message is to you readers--most of you likely are victims of a narcissist which is why you are seeking information--that there is hope! You will heal. You will feel like a human again. You can create a healthy, happy life for yourself but the person you escaped from never will be able to. Take some wicked comfort in that......:)