Friday, April 12, 2013

....and "The Rest of the Story".....

Wow, I am about a zillion years older than when I started this blog two years ago. But I'm also many, many years wiser. And here is the rest of the story......

For those just tuning in, I married a narcissist and I have spelled out the story of life with him. When I began this blog, we were still married and living together. For this writing, I refer to him as "Hero".

Once I "diagnosed" him, I decided that being equipped with knowledge was all I needed in order to "manage" him and our lives together. Wrong!

As time went on, I became very certain that my story was not going to have a happy ending but I truly did not know what to do. I felt completely trapped and defeated. I became mouse-like, did not argue, let him do whatever he wanted, did not complain that he was not contributing financially, etc.

He told me that he needed to "keep all his money because he was working on some things to secure our future". I was grateful that he at least was paying the loan payments on the truck and the trailer--two very large loans that were in my name. I wanted to get rid of him; after all, he was living in my house rent-free, not contributing, surly as hell and no fun at all. However, I was terrified that he would abandon the truck and the trailer and that would be over $1000 more per month that I would have to come up with and I knew that would sink me even faster than I was already sinking.

So I kept my mouth shut, about everything. Avoided any topics that could possibly start a fight. He was making several trips to another state at this time, supposedly to work but he never came back with any money, at least not for me. He said he was working on a big job that would pay off big later. Uh huh.

We did have one fight one night. I asked him when he was going to give me some money. And I also wanted to know how much it was going to be. I was expecting at least $1000 but he said something like $300. I made the mistake of saying, "That's it?" He says, "That's all you're gonna get", and I made the mistake of saying, "Why?" or some other stupid thing like that. Then he said, "Fine, I won't give you anything then." I must say I lost it. I called him every name in the book. I was so tired of having to treat him like a king when I had to take his bullshit like that.

You see, he was holding all the cards. He was the one who was going to make the kind of money that could pay for things like a $10,000 credit card bill (all his, in the name of his "business"), who could pay for the $50K truck and the $40K fancy 30-foot trailer, the $30K time share, etc. All these things I had entered into with him, loans in my name, with the expectation that he would pay. He knew that all this stuff was in my name and that there was no way I could earn enough to pay for it all. He had me over a barrel and he knew it. I was like a bug, pinned to the ground. squirming and praying for mercy.

So I let myself lose it. I was really at the end of my rope. I told him we had to get a divorce. He said fine, bring me the papers. I said I just happen to have some right here, I've had them for awhile. We signed the papers, which I had already drawn up. Myself, since I couldn't afford an attorney.

The next day, I told him I needed the money to file the divorce papers, it was $300 and I didn't have it. He said he would give it to me later. I said fine, I guess we can't get divorced then. I acted like I was rethinking the whole divorce thing. As soon as he left, I drove down the mountain and filed the papers!

I got the divorce decree in the mail about three weeks later. It was the only power I had. We were divorced and the son of a bitch didn't know it. We lived together another year after that.

I was still trying to live life as normally as possible so I tried to plan a camping trip for the summer. I have a disabled son and I signed him up for camp so that I could have a week free. I informed Hero of the dates. I cleaned the trailer and I wanted to take it camping, make it easy on myself. The date is getting closer and closer and Hero won't commit to the camping trip. He's resisting for some reason. I gave up and made my own plans. He was so incredibly nasty during this time. Making trips to Utah. Paying minimal amounts on my credit card (which I finally took away from him--the balance being about $9K, all his).

The date came close and he asked me what my plans were, who I was going camping with, who I was going to be "fucking". His words. I said I tried and tried to get you to go camping with me but instead I am going away by myself with my dog. He said, I won't be here when you get back from your "fucking" trip. I said, "Whatever". At this point, I knew I was never going to get any money out of him so I might as well get his miserable self out of my house.

He did leave. He took off with the trailer, the truck, the boat that I had bought early in the marriage that he was supposed to pay me for but never did, the generator that I bought, a computer that I had left him use along with the desk, and many, many other things. He kindly left for me the time share, which was costing me  hundreds of dollars every month that I couldn't afford and would never have time to use. He left me with the $9K on my credit card. He left me with making payments on the $5,000 accident he had caused, which I couldn't turn over to my insurance for many reasons which I shouldn't state publicly and he was gone, baby gone.

Remember, he'd been telling me that "he needed all his money for a big project he was working on to secure 'our' future"...... Uh huh. He secured a future, all right--his own! All those trips to Utah were spent setting himself up. I even learned that he gave his ex-wife money on one of those trips, yet he had no money to help his current "wife" (heh heh) with household expenses.

So now I was facing the moment of truth. Was I going to be able to continue to carry all this debt? I had been for a year anyway. But was he going to continue to pay the truck and trailer payments? It would be very easy for him to disappear with them, leaving me to deal with the payments, or repossession,  getting liens against my house, etc. I was so afraid. And I was completely drained. Living with him for four years sapped everything I had--financially, emotionally, spiritually. I felt like a dead person.

Well, he continued to make the payments. I have to give him credit for that. He graciously allowed me to continue making the insurance payments. And the credit card payments. And the payments for the accident he caused. I asked him to return the items he took that he shouldn't have. He said he would. Surprise, he hasn't. But he's making the payments on the truck and the trailer, combined $1100/month, enough to sink my overloaded battle ship if he stops. So again, I keep my mouth shut and be grateful for the crumbs he has left me with. But is anyone thinking what I'm thinking? Heh heh. Can't say it publicly......

I began investigating him to see if there was any way I could somehow force him to pay me what he owed me. Every day I was more sick to my stomach as to what I found. Almost every day I uncovered another atrocious thing that he had done in the short time he lived here. In short, he was conning many, many other people. He owed tens of thousands of dollars to over a dozen other victims. It was a nightmare. I could not believe this had been occurring, right under my very nose.

I contacted the FBI. I documented everything he had done, all the people he owed. all the people he had screwed over, the amounts. and nada. The FBI is not interested until you get over $2 million. A half mil doesn't mean squat. It was heart breaking. There was nothing I could do. I also learned that he'd had multiple lawsuits against him, and no one had ever recovered a dime. I may as well not even bother. He goes underground, under the radar, etc. No cash or assets anywhere to be found. Scum of the earth and this is who I married.

Please understand the power of the narcissist. He (or she) can get you to believe anything! I was not the only person he fooled. So many people thought he was the salt of the earth, bent over backwards to give, give, give--expecting to be rewarded with profits in return, and he screwed them royally. The feeling you get when you know you've been had is indescribable. If you've never been fooled, then lucky you. These guys are GOOD. My husband could charm the panties off a lesbian.

A few months after he left, I was served with divorce papers from an attorney in Utah. My darling "husband" was seeking half my assets! Did not say anything about division of debts but very clearly stated that he was entitled to half of MY assets, investment accounts, bank accounts, etc. This from the guy who entered the marriage with ABSOLUTELY NOTHING--NOT EVEN A FUCKING CAR!!!

Sorry, sometimes I get carried away.....Anyway, did I have fun with that document. I responded with a multi-page document, all legal, using legalese, did not use a lawyer, point by point refuting everything in his document. In addition, I wrote a lengthy letter, very civil, to his lawyer, with copies of all HIS bills, unpaid, that were still coming to my house (in the hundreds of thousands of dollars), a copy of the report I had created for the FBI, and a clear message that I hoped he collected his fee up-front because Hero left his last lawyer UNPAID, and I included a copy of that poor lawyer's bill. Yes, Hero fooled even a lawyer into working on his hopeless case (he lost--another judgement against Hero that will never get paid), and then he stiffed his lawyer! This guy's a gem.

Anyway, so all this to the divorce attorney, a copy of the pertinent documents also to the court. If I didn't respond by a certain date the documents stated that he would win by default. Half MY assets!

And the very last line of all these documents that I created, this legal document that I sent to the court and to his lawyer, said "By the way, we are already legally divorced in the State of Nevada" to which I attached a copy of the decree.

It took me several hours to create this document but it was worth it!

The moral of this story is: There will be no happy ending with your narcissist. He is going to screw you, it's just a matter of "How much?". He is going to destroy your sense of self, your self-esteem, possibly your finances, your heart, your mind, your soul.

I tried to keep mine as a pet. I really did. I thought that I could manage him once I knew what I was dealing with. I'm a very capable person. Not stupid. Not a genius but probably above-average intelligence. And this guy, who boasts an IQ of 80, if that--got me good. Fooled me completely. Took me to the cleaners. Played me like a violin.

My next post (and I swear I won't take two years to make it) will be more about the progress I've made within myself since the darkest cloud of my entire life was lifted (when he left). About what I've learned from the communications with so many people who've found this blog and took the time to email me.

Essentially my message is to you readers--most of you likely are victims of a narcissist which is why you are seeking information--that there is hope! You will heal. You will feel like a human again. You can create a healthy, happy life for yourself but the person you escaped from never will be able to. Take some wicked comfort in that......:)


  1. My dear green girl, it's nice that you removed this oppressive tumor from yourself. Hope you managed to gain custody of the truck/trailer etc. i imagine that when you recall this character you can't help but laugh in disbelief. Anyway being cancer free from this one feels good i'm sure. Best of luck with your next boyfriend ;) Most guys are decent. Gordon.

    1. Thank you, Gordon. And yes, most men are very decent. It's been a problem my entire life that the less-than-decent are attracted to me and yes again, there is something about me that causes that. In 50 years, I haven't figured it out but I don't give up hope!

    2. I'm sorry for you this story is of interest because we deal with a soninlaw who is narsistic. Its scary!

  2. Thanks for the post. I can relate to the broken promises, emotional neglect, financial upheaval, blaming the victim, depression, and lack of empathy. It has taken years for me to try to figure out what the hell was going on with my marriage. (And I'm a pretty intelligent cookie as well). Was it drugs? No. A chemical imbalance? No. I was told a number of things from depression to his going through a mid-life crisis.
    Last week, after a year of therapy, my soon to be ex-hubby was FINALLY just formally diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, borderline. I read up on the diagnose and it fits perfectly. It's a blow, but also a relief that I know that I do not have any power to "fix" this deal. The last few years of our marriage has been extremely difficult, and the fracturing of the landscape of my life is so TOTALLY traumatizing in so many ways, I won't go into detail, but horrific. However, this excruciating experience did get me to look at myself in a way to ask myself, "How could I have attracted someone like this into my life? How could I have not seen this coming? I thought I was so careful?" (And I was).
    I get how charming they are, and even unconsciously manipulating, and they show you what they want you to see, even if there intentions are good, there actions do not follow, or are completely opposite.
    At this point, for me, and only me, I realized a connection to how I was raised to whom I chose later as a partner. The unwillful neglect of my own parents created a very independent and capable daughter, but set me up for choosing someone who didn't meet very basic needs. I missed it because, for me, compassion, attention, empathy, thoughtfulness, was just off my radar. I thought I was getting those things, but looking back, I really wasn't. As I grew as a woman and in the marriage, I began to expand healthy wants, desires, and needs, and he was not only absent, but he was creating so much destruction, and, of course, justifying and blaming all of it on everyone else, including me, his main target.
    So, going forward in my future relationships, it's very crucial for me to raise my expectations. I will have a no tolerance policy for any kind of neglect, lies, excuses, and manipulation.
    Even after all of the destruction and pain he has put me through, I believe his heart is good, or at least he wants it to be; he is just so broken and so full of fear and pride. I am stepping out of his way, and I wish him well. He will need it. Our separation will be legal this week, but the clean-up will continue for a long while. Thanks again for your story and encouragement to others dealing with difficult people.

    1. Thank you for your comments, Anonymous and good luck to you in the future. It sounds like you were possibly married to him for a long time. If this was a first marriage for both of you, I think that the NPD uses his first marriage as a spring board, practicing on his victim (you) until he has perfected his craft. His next marriage will be even worse.

      That is not to say that they do it on purpose. I think your husband is as bewildered as you are that your marriage blew apart. I know mine was. There is a sickness within them that they just can't help. It is like a cancer, it eats away at them, and all the people around them, until there is nothing left.

      It is sad, because I agree, I don't think they are truly evil people (although their actions and behaviors certainly indicate that they might be!), but rather sick people. Who can very seldom be helped.

      And all of us who have been through it have asked ourselves: "How could I let it get this bad and how could I have let it go on so long?!" But we do. Because we love them and we believe that if we work with them, they will eventually see the error of their ways. We wait for that epiphany that never comes. I believed for a long time that if I just kept jabbing at his lies, he would eventually have an awakening, a moment of awareness, of clarity. He would see, we would cry together and move forward together. Ha.

      And yes, we need to be very careful moving forward, because I tell you, I haven't fixed the flaw in myself that allowed this to happen and I can see myself being again attracted to an NPD. But I've noticed I recognize it right away now and I definitely know better than to jump back into that cess pool.

      Keep me posted. I think you will be OK. Your husband, I think, will have a harder time of it. He's broken and can't be fixed. Thanks for sharing.

  3. This blog is great, I have been researching my husbands awful behavior and NPD is exactly what he has. He has literally said horrible things about me to my children and even my exhusband. Now I can't get him to leave? I do not have the finances to file a divorce decree with an attorney at this time any suggestions?

    Thank you

    1. Anonymous - I'm here, 1 hour before my divorce is final to tell you that filing the documents yourself for $385 (in Florida everything is more expensive) is the best route you can take. My narcissist husband of 16 years was blindsided and too arrogant to do anything but sign the papers and leave the house. He doesn't even know the final hearing is today. I did consult with 2 attorneys ($400 each) who said just get him to sign and move on....which is what I hope to do beginning tomorrow. You can download the forms, complete them yourself and file. YOU CAN DO THIS!

    2. Thank you, Anonymous for your reply to Anonymous. I somehow missed this one and I'm so sorry. I would have told her the same thing--I divorced my god-awful husband, myself, without him even knowing. (I did get him to sign papers I had prepared myself, then pretended like I didn't have the money to file them. And of course, I filed them! In my state [Nevada], it only cost $300).

      I got a divorce packet from the county court house, wherever you will go to file. The packet is free, or print it online and do it yourself!

      A divorce from a narcissist can be extremely brutal, nasty and far from fair. Draw up papers that are as fair as possible and use all the psychological knowledge you have about this disorder to get him to sign!

  4. Hi Anonymous, yes, I would do like I did--draw up the divorce papers yourself. Contact your local County Clerk's office. It should be located in or around your local courthouse. They can give you a divorce packet with instructions. You can get as detailed as you want--divide assets, debts, children. Try to be as fair as possible and throw in some concessions. Anything you have to do to get him to sign.

    Then get yourself to the courthouse and file it. It's that simple. You will need the filing fee which is probably going to be around $300. I don't know how much each state differs. It might not be so simple in every state.

    I think divorce would be a much easier process if people just did it themselves. Get an attorney involved and pretty soon you're fighting for this asset, this right...

    With a narcissist, it won't ever be fair anyway and he will fight for anything and everything. If you can give up what you can afford to give up right now, make him think he's getting a "deal", then you might have a chance to have signed divorce papers and out the door for $300. It's worth it to cut the poison out of your life.

    Especially if you haven't been together long and don't have a lot to "divide", this simple way might be the way to go. Good luck and keep me posted!

    1. I have been with my narcissist for 7 years and married for 1!! Well we didn't quite make it to 1 year. I married him 12 months after I was diagnosed with breast cancer. We had a business and when I was diagnosed I did my best to keep the business going on my own because he was at home in bed, "stressed and having a break down". We lost our business and it has been just over 2 years and he is still stressed and having a break down. He has not worked since December 2011. It is my birthday today and a week out from our decision to get a divorce. I am struggling with confusion, abandonment and loneliness today. I was ALWAYS on egg shells and ALWAYS in a hurry to get home. I could not concentrate on a conversation with ANYONE due to my constant thoughts of him and if he was ok. Yet he would accuse me of "not caring" about him or his daughter. He complained constantly about the job I was working at and how pathetic it was. I have suffered years of emotional and verbal abuse. I was always thinking that he was going to see the error of his ways and he would change. He would tell me how we had problems since I had cancer and I was just not there for him anymore!! Sure he would admit that the way he spoke to me was wrong and he wanted to change, in the end he could see he had problems and wanted to get help. He thought he had depression. From what I have learnt narcissists do not stay in counseling long enough to be diagnosed because they start to feel better or they do not like the therapist being honest with them and calling them out on there behavior. I did not have the energy physically, emotionally or spiritually to go through that process with him. I have found that being in ALANON has helped me understand a lot and where they talk about the alcoholic I put in Narcissist. I have left with not a cent to my name and a beat up old car and my dog who has endured this hell on earth with me. It is a sick and UNHEALTHY existence one that I pray for my healing and I pray for all the other women and men who feel trapped in a narcissistic relationship.

    2. Hi BLUE, I am so sorry. Life is so not fair when you get involved with a narcissist. And cancer on top of it. I know all about walking on eggshells but I know nothing about being sick, at least not me being sick.

      I also thought that my husband would see that his behavior was wrong and would want to change. Never gonna happen. I was a fool to waste so much time waiting for the impossible. But, it's hard not to think that eventually they HAVE to see. Their behavior is so obviously wrong. But they don't.

      I also don't think there's any point in therapy unless he really, REALLY acknowledges that he has a problem and is sincere in wanting to change. I would guess that very few of these guys will ever admit they have a problem, much less takes steps to change themselves. They are extremely sick people and I don't think they can change.

      Take a little bit of comfort in knowing that you are not alone, you are not at fault, you can do nothing to help him, you are not the first person to waste too many years and tears on one of these animals and you won't be the last. But you will be able to make a good life for yourself without him. He is stuck in his poisonous existence.

      And keep us posted. Are you in remission?

  5. I have been divorced from a narcissist for almost two years. We have a young autistic son together, so I still have to deal with his behavior.

    I finally read something that makes perfect sense as to why he always accuses me of the most heinous actions and thoughts; The narcissist truly thinks that everyone else in the world thinks the way he or she does. Repeat, he actually thinks that we all think in the same terms as he.

    That is why he constantly accuses a woman with a heart of gold who is as selfless as they come of being manipulative, selfish, unfaithful, lacking empathy, etc.
    He believes it to be true and tells everyone these lies, as well.

    Somehow, knowing this set me emotionally free of him. I finally understand that I did nothing wrong. I loved a man and trusted a man incapable of loving anyone but himself. Period.

    I'm still being treated like a person who is on this earth merely to be his doormat. I interact as little as possible and refuse to be his victim. I hope we all find peace and the ability to trust again, only this time to a person worthy of our hearts.

    1. Hi Anonymous, thanks for writing. I've seen this before, a narcissist accuses his mate of doing the despicable things that he himself is doing. I was called a liar, accused of only thinking of myself, having affairs and more. Which couldn't be farther from the truth. Yet I wondered if there was something wrong with me.

      But there's not. At least not what he accused me of. Nor is there anything wrong with you. Except that we allowed ourselves to get sucked into the vortex of a person not at all worthy of us.

      I admire you already, a son with autism. I had a son with Down syndrome, which I think is much easier to deal with, at least with respect to the behavior issues.

      I think knowing what your husband is should make it easier to deal with him. I also don't think that they think that we all think the way he does. I don't think they think about us at all and what we think! They could care less. They create their own reality and that is all that matters to them.

      I'm glad you broke away........toree

  6. Married 15 years last November...speaking of, that special anniversary of 15 years began with him telling me "sorry, I didn't have it in me to buy you a card, not with us fighting." Always so matter of fact and unfeeling. Everything seems to have been, from the beginning, figment of my imagination. The worst part is probably lamenting all the hurtful years and memories and beating myself up for allowing it all to continue.

  7. Oh Anonymous, that brings back memories. My darling ignored all my birthdays. I'm not a high-maintenance person, by any means, but I really thought that was rude. Especially since I went out of my way to make his special, at least at first. I eventually gave up. But the last year was priceless, also the first time he remembered at all. In the morning he said, "Happy Birthday." (no intonation, very flat, etc)...."I was going to buy you a card, but..." And that was it. Priceless! I have to laugh.

    I know, I wasted many years too. Not 15, thank goodness. But we hope for change. One person told me, we are addicted to hope. That is her theory. Merits pondering. We hope that things will get better, that our man will see what he's doing. All in vain. They don't EVER see, they don't change, they don't care.

    Sick people. I hope you're thinking about starting over without him. It can be done. It's not easy. You have had your self-esteem brutally damaged and it's hard to find it again. But you won't be able to sing again until you get him out of your life. Just a thought.....keep us posted!

  8. You ARE aware that obama is a narcissist by now.

  9. Interestingly enough, I did a live panel last night on There was a researcher on the panel who specializes in deception, with a focus on leaders. We did not discuss leaders but....(I'm trying not to name names or sling mud, being diplomatic...;) At any rate, here is the link to the segment:, which I will post up top as a link.

    I'm definitely not a star "live" but I did my best to speak for all women who "have been there". And I cannot speak about Obama, as I don't know him personally. I'm sure he's a handful.

    I think many leaders are narcissistic--that is one of many characteristics that helps propel them to a position of power. However, that does not mean that they have narcissistic personality disorder.

    1. The movie Dangerous Liaisons was recently on TV. Watch it and see how two narcissuses will destroy one another, not to mention those around them. I sadly could totally relate to the most pitiful character in the movie who was seduced and destroyed.
      My husband is a narcissist and life with him has always been difficult but now that my blinders are off I see how just plain odd his behavior is. So cold, then hot, hypocritical then offers petty praise, forgets so things are difficult and last know the deal.

  10. Thanks for the tip. I just put it into my Netflix queue and moved it to the top. There is also an older version with Glenn Close. I threw that in also. Sometimes the older version can be interesting.

    So you are still with your husband? I think that as long as you are aware of what he is, you can somewhat insulate yourself from the ill effects of living with someone so completely selfish and unaware of your needs. Just not entirely.

    1. Yes, still with him. I've just figured out who he is. Now at least I know what to expect, and like you said to protect myself. It's difficult as I am a normal person with real emotions living with a robot. He bates me into talking then shuts it down by simply getting angry and walking away. I have to continually remind myself that his every move is a trap and that there is nothing in him that will give me any joy. Simple example, I'm a stay at home Mom and this year all he said on Mothers Day was 'your flowers are in the mantel". I didn't play my usual aren't ya going to say happy M day card and beg for what I deserve and the day continued as if it were any other day. I made all
      the meals and the day ended. Side note, our daughter has special needs so if my husband decides not to celebrate or care it can't happen. I obviously have a difficult task as a mother so this mothers day thing really stung....though I should have expected it....Ass Hole!

  11. That so reminds me of my husband. If they do anything for you at all, they act like they're doing you a favor, putting themselves out. It's so sad. It's so much more pleasurable to give than to receive--which is exactly the attitude that draws them to us in the first place! We, as a whole, are givers and they are most certainly takers.

    Thanks for sharing.....toree

    1. Hi Toree

      My name is Heather. I am in my bed right now feeling completely hopeless, defeated, depressed, betrayed and much more.

      I was married to a narcissist for 24 years. We have been divorced 10 months. I have experienced all the abuse narcissists put on us. I have a daughter in college and a young son who is spending this weekend with my ex.

      I really need support. I was made aware that my ex lives with a woman he had been having an affair with for many years. She just divorced her husband and left the state without wanting her own child. My ex and this woman just bought an enourmous gorgeous house a mere 5 miles from this house that he left with $50,000 worth of repair and renovations.

      Not only do I feel angry and depressed over his betrayals and willingness to live in a beautiful new home that he was not ever going to allow our family to have, but I also live in constant fear for my son's emotional wellbeing, This woman is ALSO a narcissist and does not want my son interfering in HER new life.

      I know I am new to all of this but I need support. I am so grateful to have found your blog.

  12. Hi Heather,

    You have to give yourself credit for having endured 24 years of abuse and being able to hold your head up at all. I only lived with my nightmare for four years and I felt like I didn't even exist anymore, after that short a time.

    It takes a long time to heal. And I know it's hard to see them move on, leaving the destruction behind from their last life, and build a new life like his life with you never happened.

    My husband did the same thing and it hurts! He left behind all the debt he created here, a good deal of it for me to pay, but not all. The rest has gone to collection and he could care less. He will never pay a dime of it. And he struts around like King Shit, not a worry on his pathetic little mind.

    So what is there for you to do? It is completely normal and expected to feel angry, hurt and depressed. I still experience moments of anger, even sadness for that which could have been. How do we get over that?

    I have to believe that he is going to pay for what he's done--he will ultimately have to face himself, feel the pain he has caused, and he will not pass from this hell until those he has wronged pass by him and forgive him. He might be in that hell for a long time! This is how I comfort myself sometimes, thinking of what it must be like when a beast like this finally reaches the end of life, as we all must.

    I agree, you must do all you can to protect your son from the damage that his father and his new wife are sure to inflict. I think you can try to arm him with information. Be careful to not disparage his father; rather try to let him know that Dad is not well, he loves you as best he can but his sickness consumes him and it won't feel like he loves you, something like that.

    And remember that for yourself, as well. Your husband did love you. I know mine did too. But much as an alcoholic is consumed by his disease, so too is the narcissist. The NPD has no room within himself for anyone but himself. So his betrayal of you has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his sickness.

    Hang in there, Heather. The sun will shine again. It just takes time. Know that you are not alone--so many of us totally understand how you feel and what you've been through.....keep us posted............toree

  13. Did we all marry the same man? The debts, the financial abuse, the refusal to repay banks, total disregard for ANYTHING that is important to us?? I'm relatively lucky-I believed he would see the light and learn from his ' mistakes' (my word not his) for 17 years: right up to the point where his gambling and feelings of entitlement meant that we were in danger of losing the house I had bought and I was paying the mortgage on! After he decided he'd had enough of my greed (I had dared to question where all the money was going...) he threatened to burn down the house if he didn't get what he was entitled to in the divorce. We did a property settlement and he got a house (our rental) He sold it, quit his job (he was sick of his boss not saying hello to him in the morning ) spent all the money (it was HIS money and he doesn't tell me what to do with MY money!!!)and then got a credit card which he then maxed out. All this within 10 months!!! He has now been taken to court for failure to make loan repayments on a loan of $30000 and the credit card debt of $10000 but hey- no one is going to control him-not me, the bank or government. The government realised around this time that he was never going to repay his debt of $60000 and actually wiped it as it wasn't worth the money to chase.
    I kicked him out 6 months ago. He was living in my house so I could help him get his life back on track and then we would have a future... his words, not mine. Guess what? He began another business working for himself, spending everything on beer and poker (slot) machines. Board was paid from time to time, nothing put away for the taxman so he was starting a brand new debt with them that he had no intention of repaying, he lived pay to pay and I was enabling him to do all this!!
    So I gave him a month's notice in writing and out he went. He has taken 2 suitcases and left all his shit here for me to deal with. Tells me he's entitled to 1/2 everything.Thinks in this way in spite of our settlement 7 years ago. Lies about having got legal advice blah blah blah. He lies, believes his own bullshit and has now gained his supply from a couple of fellow drinkers who no doubt agree that he has been treated terribly by this bitch of a wife. And all because as he puts it, he had a couple of debts.... Poor guy...
    I now have divorce papers for him to sign which won't be easy but will free me from him a little bit more. I do get angry that I believed I could make it work for so long. After all, he said he loved me, right?? Didn't realise he thrived on the confusion, the havoc he created but then got so upset as he felt he was always blamed for everything!!
    According to him I was a control freak who thought she was perfect. I was jealous of his children from marriage number 1 (he has no relationship with them and one refuses to even speak his name)
    I read these posts and it is MY story, MY life. Walking on eggshells, scared to bring issues up, his rage and vicious tongue (which he almost brags about) his inability to behave responsibly or to be answerable to anyone. me thinking I'm crazy and him telling me I am forgetful, it's all in my head, it's all because of menopause...
    I know I'll come through the other end fine and I do find that reading about other people's experiences helps me know I DIDN'T CAUSE THIS!

    1. Hi Anonymous,

      Thank you for writing! And OMG, you could be me. It's so, so weird. My husband also told me I just remembered things wrong and that our problems were because I was in menopause (which I wasn't).

      My husband also owed the IRS $50K (which was because his wife before me took all his money, said she paid the taxes but didn't--which is a lie, of course).

      He also owed $50K in back child support (because his first wife had an affair which ended their marriage, then they conspired against him to keep him away from his kids and brainwashed his children against him--when actually his children can't stand him due to his reprehensible behavior during the first twelve years of their lives).

      My husband was so good at what he does he even convinced his bank (a large, national bank) to continue paying his bills, even though he wasn't putting any money in to cover them. He was working on a "big job" that was going to pay out soon and would cover it then. We are talking about several thousand dollars here.

      Imagine this, he vaporized to another state before the "big job" paid out and stiffed his bank. Also stiffed his lawyer to the tune of about $13K. This lawyer was defending him against a lawsuit brought on by a contractor who had done thousands of dollars of work for Hero and had not been paid.

      Imagine this, the contractor won the lawsuit, but never got paid, and neither did the lawyer. Hero was so good he convinced the lawyer to work for free! He would pay him later when the "big job" paid out.

      These are not stupid people, nor am I. This is an indication of HOW GOOD these lying, conniving con men are. We shouldn't feel silly as we were fooled by the very, very best.

      I hear you, Anonymous, and probably about a thousand other people hear you. Good luck in getting him completely out of your life....step by step.

  14. Oh, and I should have mentioned--there was no affair. What happened with his first marriage was... he abandoned his wife and children who were about to be evicted, with no food in the house, power shut off, no money.

    He fled to another state (which is what he always does when he's made a giant mess). His best friend stepped in to take care of the family he had left behind and eventually married her (two years later).

    That is the TRUE story that I didn't figure out until I was deeply embroiled in the new mess he was making with me.....

    Here's the really stupid part..... His first wife warned me! So did his daughter. And I chose to believe him instead. I learned that lesson the hard way. I learned the truth the hard way by experiencing it myself.

    Don't let it happen to you!

  15. Depressive disorder used to be dealt with having combining medicine along with personal therapy Eheberatung

    1. Ah, danke schon! I don't know how to add umlauts in this format.

      I often thought that medication might possibly be able to help my husband but.... part of the problem with this disorder is that they don't believe they have a problem!

      My father was manic-depressive, a disease now called bi-polar. He was fine (sort of) as long as he stayed on his medication.

      After time, he began to think he was OK and would go off his meds. And he was NOT OK. He would soar to manic heights, dropping into a deep depression. I did not know all this, I was a child, but I know from my mom and know from life experience what happens.

      A very sad tale. And this cycling would repeat over and over. Finally my father took his own life. I was 14.

      Both of my brothers also suffered from mental illness--both gone now.

      Mental illness is, or can be, a completely debilitating disease. My father and both brothers basically had no hope of a normal life, meds or no.

      I don't know if there is a drug cocktail that could help these people with NPD. If there were, we'd almost have to slip it into their drinks, right ladies?

      I suspect that medication could help these individuals. But I know there was NO WAY I was going to convince my husband that he needed therapy like this.

      Thanks, Michael C. for writing. I studied German in college but am nowhere capable enough to read your website! Learning languages is still on my list, however, and German is one of them. Right now I'm working on Spanish.

    2. Ditto Toree- our wife no 1 apparently also had an affair, also was supposed to pay his tax debt when they divorced (but didn't). Guess there wasn't enough after the house was sold-he had continued living in it after she took the 4 kids and left but he never paid the mortgage the whole time. He also acrued a child support debt of $18000+. This I learn AFTER I married him...
      1. How do I go from being a follower of your blog to a member?
      2. Do I fill his family in on this latest knowledge? Some are quite supportive and recognise he has alcohol and gambling issues but this may be too much for them to accept and I may be labelled the crazy one.
      He is due to see his family Xmas Eve and no doubt will come across as a mess and very hard done by. He has NO money and I'm expecting him to engender a lot of sympathy as he relates how awfully I have treated him.
      Love your site-gaining so much strength ar what is a fragile time for me-our first xmas apart in 24 years.
      Robyn, Australia

    3. Hi Robyn,

      On the top left corner of the blog is a "Join This Site" button. I believe you have to sign up for a google profile or something. I think google is everywhere--even in Australia!

      As far as talking to his family--I think I told you, but maybe not, I tried and tried to talk to his family. Apparently they chose to believe that I was his fourth crazy wife, rather than wonder if there was something wrong with him.

      These are people who believe that he married four crazy women who took all his money, they welcome him back into the fold when he needs it, and they refuse to even believe HIS CHILDREN, who have tried to tell them what he really is.

      So, good luck with trying to talk to his family. I did hear from one man one time who was writing to me about his son, that he was appalled by his son's behavior and had tried to confront him about it.

      It's almost as impossible to get a family to believe as it is to get an NPD to believe. The family is often part of the problem.

      And oh yes, he will fill their heads about how you destroyed him, took all his money, are such a bitch, everything is your fault, poor poor me, etc. And they might believe him. He'll put on a very good show. My husband puts on such a good show I find myself getting confused on the rare occasions that I talk to him!

      My husband's family chose to believe that I tried to kill him in the hospital after his heart attack. When, if not for my intervention, he surely would have died.

      This is how unreasonable families can be.

      That all said, I still think it is important to make known your thoughts, even if they do not believe you. I wrote long and poignant letters to my husband's family members. Not one of them responded but maybe, just maybe, it got them to thinking just a little bit.

      Just don't be surprised or hurt if they turn their backs on you. It does hurt, but it comes with the territory.

      Let us know how it goes!........and hang in there....24 years is a long time. I still miss my rat of a husband and wish things could have been different, that I could have made him well.........toree

  16. I'm trying to read all of this before I form an opinion, but all the "sympathy" for these people? Is that the right word? We all have a choice in our behavior. It's like taking a drug. You look at the needle. You can stick it in your arm or walk away. These monsters have a choice, the same one we all have. We can be selfish and hard-hearted, or we can think about the other people involved. It's as simple as that to me. We all have sicknesses, trauma, limitations, etc, and somehow we find a way not to be a d1ck all the time. I've been married to a narcissist for 23 years now. OMG, he has done the nicest thing for me that he has ever done. He is "not having any contact" with me "anymore"! Thanks! I'm finally able to heal and become myself again.

    1. Hi Harmonious,

      They are truly sick people and they do terrible things. I don't think any of us have "sympathy" for them, rather an "understanding" of their sickness.

      I'm not a doctor but I have experience with mental illness and there is no doubt in my mind that my (ex) husband is mentally ill.

      And yes, on some deeply buried level, he knows exactly what he is doing. But he also has the ability, perhaps refined with practice to suit himself, to change events in his mind. Not just forget the details, but really change them.

      Of course, he changes them to make himself look like a great guy and not the tremendous dick that really he is who has done terrible, terrible things. He erases his terrible things and becomes a hero in his mind. It's a bit fascinating.

      I'm glad you are finally away from your tormentor. Life will NEVER be fair with an N. People who tangle with them will always lose.