They Can Become Dangerous

It has been six years since Hero left. I thought I would never recover--emotionally, spiritually, financially--yet I have. And you will too, it just takes time.

A word of caution--I have always told people that my Hero was not dangerous, he was just disturbed. People thought that I should be afraid of him, but I just said, Bah--not of him.

I am still not afraid, however I am just lucky that I am not in danger from him, He moved to another state and basically lacks the means to travel here. I still don't think I have anything to fear from him.

All the advice I've found from others is to have "no contact". I foolishly have ignored that and have maintained contact. This is partly because I still have a loan in my name for him and I have to make sure that he pays it. Currently, he is not paying it and I have been forced to make the payments for him, so as to preserve my credit.

The payment is not large and it is really pathetic that he cannot make it, as this is for the trailer that he lives in. This is his home, his rent and still he cannot pay. It's also possible that he has manipulated me into THINKING that he cannot pay, he knows that I will do anything to preserve my good credit; therefore he has conned me into paying it for him.

Regardless, I have to constantly be in contact with him, seeing if he will pay, trying to inspire him to pay, etc.

Because of this contact, I have been keeping up with him and his activities. And this, ladies, is why everyone recommends "no contact."

Besides being sickened by the mess he has created for himself in his new situation, I am forced into being aware of his deeds.

What follows is a sickening story, please be forewarned.

I learned a couple of years ago that he had obtained a dog, and I was nervous about that. I don't trust him to take care of anything but himself. And sadly, recently I was reminded very clearly how very right I was.

I had made a call to him, trying to find out if he was almost ready to resume making the trailer payments himself. I was going to discuss with him the possibility of selling the trailer and using the money to pay off the loan, and the extra money to help him in getting back on his feet.

Not that getting back on his feet will help anything except me (getting out from underneath that *%#$! trailer) because he will use up all the money and quickly be in trouble again. But at that point, it won't be my problem! Which is my end goal, of course. I live for the day when his troubles will no longer be mine.

Perhaps the timing of my call was unfortunate--for him and for me--but he told me this ungodly tale. I asked him how things were going. He said, not well. I asked him, oh no, what has happened now. He told me that he had to put his dog down yesterday.

I instantly went into sympathy mode, oh no, how sad...thinking that perhaps she had escaped and been hit by a car, or something. But the tale he told me made my blood run cold.

I will spare you the details, but essentially he beat his beloved dog to death with a sledge hammer. He said, "I had to do it, I had to do something right then, I did not have my pistol, so I used a sledge hammer."

Horror filled my heart. I did not try to argue with him, though I could immediately see other options. He didn't HAVE to do anything. I saw that he had flown into a rage and killed his best friend.

I told him, how sad, then I hung up the phone and cried the rest of the day. That night I sent him a text, telling them that I hoped by now he could see that he didn't HAVE to do that. I pointed out that he had flown into a rage and killed his best friend, in particularly brutal fashion. I told him I was sad that he was in such a dark place that he could do such a thing. I told him I was sad that he was in a dark place now trying to live with the result.

I decided to let him chew on that for a bit. The next time I was able to get in touch with him was a few days later. He had gone off on a horse ride with the 4H club, carefree as a bird, on a camp out.

I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, you see. I thought that he would realize that he had done a terrible thing and that he would be sorry. WRONG!! He had NO remorse whatsoever. He claimed again that he HAD to do it. He told me that I didn't understand the situation, the history, the circumstances and that I didn't know anything about it and "I REFUSE TO DISCUSS IT."

That's when I knew....he had crossed over from sociopath to firmly in the psychopath realm.

NO REMORSE. At all. He had placed this barbaric act, perpetrated by him and no other, neatly into a package in his mind and he had washed his hands of it.

I was actually astonished, though I should not have been. Like other deeds done by him, he compartmentalizes them in his convoluted brain. He stores them in his "Dead Zone" where they cannot hurt him.

I thought that this violent act was extreme, even for him, and that THIS he would feel. But I was wrong.

After that last conversation, I decided to contact the authorities in his area. I had a lengthy conversation with two animal control officers in his area (we were trying to decide who had jurisdiction).

There were witnesses to his deed, but I didn't know how to contact them. I described the area where the murder occurred but could not pinpoint it exactly. He told me that they had buried her, but I suspect they wrapped her and disposed of her in the trash.

So, I could file a complaint, I know that they believed me, but without any evidence--which would be difficult to come by--there was little they could do besides do a walk and talk (go and talk to him).

They said, if he confesses, then...... Ha! We all know that is not going to happen. So I have to live with knowing this and do nothing about it.

My point is....you don't know if your N is dangerous. Even if you think he is not, like I did, you could be very wrong.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a brain-based disease, there is no doubt in my mind. And with what I know and have observed first-hand about mental illness (if you have read other areas of this blog, my two brothers and father were afflicted with mental illness and I saw them deteriorate over time, until each of them took their own lives), it worsens over time.

Hero's brain is continuing to deteriorate, his illness has gotten worse, and he is capable of worse things.

Be careful! And if you are still with your N, know that he will not change, he cannot. He can't change any more than my brother could be told he was not dating Paula Abdul (she, along with Brooke Shields, was his girlfriend--in his mind, and he could not be told otherwise), or any more than a person with cancer can be told to stop being sick.

Not only that....eventually, all relationships that an N has will become no longer beneficial to the N. You've all seen it happen. You became of no consequence to him, you are an annoyance to him, you no longer feed his hunger, no longer feed whatever sustains him. You are now disposable. He can swat you away like you are nothing but a fly.

This is what Hero did to his dog. It no longer satisfied him to have a dog. She had become too much of a bother. And, this thought crossed my mind, he would not have been able to bring her along on his three-day outing with the 4H club, so that would have posed a problem of what to do with her while he was gone.

Never underestimate the power and the sickness of an N.

This one's for you, Therma, you poor dog. You did not deserve that, you were nothing but a loyal companion to a monster. I wish I could avenge you, but he will pay when he gets to the other side.