Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Correspondence and a live discussion....

We are marching along and you are not alone.....I have corresponded with dozens of women (mostly women) who have lived this exact same story, as if these guys take the same page out of the same book: "How to Be the Worst Husband Ever" or something.

I am working on editing all this correspondence, taking out names, places, anything that can identify people in preparation for posting on this blog. Then I need to seek permission from each person before posting. There are so many stories that I know you'll be able to identify with, some insights that you may not have thought of and more. It's a long project and I can only work on it in cracks of time. But it's happening.

Here is a link to a live panel segment I participated in Live on Huffington Post, a segment on lying. I was trying to speak for you all. I am not the best at this, I tend to write better than I speak, but here it is.

I think that awareness is growing about this disorder and other personality disorders, which means we are making progress. One of my goals is to write a pamphlet for SCHOOLS. We have sex-education in schools, while not pre-marital education?!

Writing the pamphlet is only the first step. Then we must get it into schools. Then we must get young girls to believe......but one step at a time....

15 comments:

  1. Hello, tried to email you at the address you provided, but it says there was an error and the address is not recognized.

    I used narcissismathome@gmail.com. Is that correct - or did I not copy it correctly?

    Thanks!

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  2. Hi Kathleen. I'm not sure what happened because that is the correct address. Was that maybe on Monday? My internet and phones were down in the morning and people were getting error messages. It was a mess. But try again! I also have toreewarfield@sbcglobal.net.

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  3. Brilliant idea to get a pamphlet going for schools.... I taught for 23 years in middle and high schools.... with a few years in a 3/4 combination and then a 5th grade. I cannot tell you how solidly this concept resounds with me. NOT only because kids are moving into relationships younger and younger, but because they THINK they know all about it... and the explicit materials that surround them with the lies and myths in it do NOT help. Sad to say, many of the parents are even worse sources of information! This is probably because no one shared with them or warned them. The result of THAT fiasco is that my students were embroiled in the chaos of a home too often dominated by a very sick non-biological 'parent'.

    Been married 4 times so I sort of have a 'life experience'. LOL
    #1 turned out to be bi-polar but in the 60s we didn't know about things like that and certainly it wasn't talked about or recognized.
    #2 - the drunken abusive, liar, cheater (16 ER visits in 9 years)... killed my beloved dog, but again we didn't talk about it and I only found out I was not alone was because of a David Suskind show on the topic 9 years married 2years shack up...
    #3 - my skating partner but porn and drug addicted.. 6 years
    #4 - I thought was a good one... and he was for the 8 years he was sober and he went back to alcoholism after 16 years of really good sobriety... moved out on me with my best friend who we let live with us when she lost her job... and I was dealing with a rare aggressive cancer... and I found out I am not alone in that scenario. By a miracle,(even my oncologist calls it a miracle) I just celebrated 14 years after diagnosis when I should have died in 18 months..... maybe Dan was hoping I would... but he's now up in a rooming house in Idaho dying a slowing bleeding death 2 bottles of vodka at day at a time...
    Saw you have a blurb about DUFFY"S... he even tried that... and I have one of Duffy's last series (given at Belmont) on tape.

    PS Love your dogs.
    Since I taught in in SpEd and with SED teens (Severely Emotionally Disturbed) teens and worked to coordinate juvenile hall and high schools for incarcerated teens so they wouldn't fall further behind... which leads to drop outs.

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  4. Hi Joanna, thanks for your insight. When I get to actually developing a pamphlet, you will be a great contact because you have an "in" with school districts. I know it won't be easy but the idea makes so much sense.

    I too have been repeatedly attracted to "less-than-desirable" men. This was the first one I actually married, however. And I totally did not see the danger until I was pinned like a bug on a board.

    I guess we have to take comfort in the fact that these guys will pay for what they have done, probably not in this life, but they will be facing themselves when they pass on.

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  5. I love that you are wanting to develop a pamplet, course, curriculum for schools. I am educator at the high school level and I teach life skills. I strongly believe all students, beginning in elementary school should have a class that focuses on healthy relationships, developing character traits, communication skills, and how to work with others personality styles. Relationships and communication is a HUGE part of life. I think this type of course would be just as important or not more important than all the academic classes. The kids have the brains, but how about the social skills?!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you. This is encouraging that people are responding positively to teaching young children about healthy relationships. This is an idea worth pursuing. If the narcissistic supply can be shut off, perhaps they will become extinct. A little tongue in cheek here but you know what I mean...

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  6. My daughter married a NPD in July. After reading your story and others I have come to the conclusion that she is truly lucky to be getting out of the marriage 4 months into it. His job and increasing commissions turned him into a monster. He has blown through 20,000 in the last few months and is living recklessly. His abusiveness toward her was getting so bad that we helped her move out. She is a very logical young woman who had a significant savings he also spent. She is seeking counseling and has a very supportive group of friends and family. Your idea of educating young people, especially girls is truly needed. This was a devastating experience, and one I feel needs to be shared and talked about more. So many women have come forward to share similar stories. Thanks for sharing yours.

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    1. That is one of my main missions--to educate young girls BEFORE they get sucked into the trap. Your daughter is "lucky" indeed to be getting out after only four months of marriage. Amazing at the amount of damage that one of these guys can do in so short a time.

      My husband had me pinned like a bug on a cork board after only about two months of marriage. I kept struggling and trying to get him to see for another four years. I just mired myself deeper.

      It's good your daughter had this experience at a young age--she will never be fooled again and still has time to rebuild.

      Thank you for sharing.

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    2. I absolutely agree with teaching kids in SCHOOL about Narcissists. They destroy lives.

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    3. Wow, I just watched the "live on Huffinton" video and I just want to say thank you Toree. I am now dealing with an emotional teenage daughter and my husband seems to be competing for attention. The "crazy making" is unrelenting. I ran away to go camping (a few months ago) and I was sooooooo happy!! I cried with JOY!! as I was driving out to a hot desert, with a tent and a bucket to pee in...I was away from his put-downs...I was so happy

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    4. It's sad, isn't it, when time away from our husbands brings us feelings of joy and peace! Actually, being away from my husband brought me great anxiety because he always did something horrible when I was not home!

      Sadly, life with these guys does not get better, only worse. Just keep remembering that you are not crazy, he has a problem that cannot be fixed, and you might be able to hold onto yourself during your life with him.

      Thanks for writing.

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  8. I am miserable. He has destroyed my soul. I cry every day. I used to be strong. He finally wore me down. 14 years. A lie from the beginng. He has turned even my own family against me. I want my life back but I don't know where it is.

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    Replies
    1. I feel the same way you do.....except I have been married 16 years.......

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  9. Hi Anonymous,

    It's a terrible place we end up in when we tangle with an NPD but please do not despair. It seems hopeless right now, but take one step at a time. I don't know at all your situation but if you post again, please leave more details. Or you can write to me directly at narcissismathome@gmail.com.

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