Monday, March 24, 2014

How Time Flies!

Much of the work that happens on this blog takes place behind the scenes. I have hundreds of pages of correspondence with dozens, and approaching hundreds, of people who have experienced the exact same thing as I have, as all of you have.

It astonishes me that there are so many NPDs out there. It almost seems like an epidemic.

The correspondence is very sacred to me and I usually reply to everyone in a timely way. I'm trying to help people as much as I can. People who are in various stages of discovery from just realizing there is something wrong, to coming to the realization that the NPD with whom they are entangled CANNOT change, to people who are past it and have essentially erased the NPD from their life.

My intention is to organize this correspondence, edit it and post it on the blog so that everyone can benefit from the enormous insight that is found in these heart-wrenching letters.

But first, I must contact each person, obtain permission, edit out names and places and any other identifying information. It's a huge task and one I should have done from the very beginning.

I have learned so much from all of you who have responded and have many great ideas for the book. I have many efforts going on simultaneously and can only give so much to each one.

So, the project is not forgotten -- it's just going to take a long time....

In the meantime, keep the correspondence coming, or post to the blog so that your pain is not in vain.

Also, I really think that writing about your experience is beneficial to YOU. It helps you to make sense of what happened and it helps to be disgorging the information to people who KNOW what you have been through and can empathize, something we know our NPDs cannot do!

24 comments:

  1. Hi
    I just discovered your blog and hope you can give me strength and direction.
    I have been married for 14 years and it's been a roller coaster ride. My husband is not capable of being monogomous and yet I have stAyed to keep my family together. I gave up my career as a fashion editor for a big magazine and became a stay at home mom and always put my family first ,and yet he blames me for everything lacking in his life. . He is having an affair will a freshly divorced girl he secretly always had a crush on. It's tAking it's toll on me since I am trying to please him every which way but his mind is never with me. I am committed to do whatever it takes to keep my marriage and make my husband happy

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    1. Ack, Tabatha, it will be hard for me to encourage you to stay with him but I will try.....

      I think it is possible to stay with an N if you resign yourself to the fact that you will always be a second-class citizen in your own home or worse, you will continually have to sacrifice yourself for his needs, he will do whatever he wants and you will not be allowed to say anything about it--no matter how unfair his behavior is, and I could go on.

      That said.... Some people are determined to stay with their Ns no matter what. So what you have to do is change the way YOU think. You can view his behavior as the product of a sick person and you will support him because he is not well.

      You can decide to understand that his unfair behavior is not a reflection of YOU, rather it is just the way he is.

      You can forget about sex, or take steps to protect yourself from whatever he may bring home.

      And above all, do not have regrets. Some day, probably when the kids are grown, you will leave him and start over. Try not to regret your years spent with him because..... I think we are taking away something from this experience of being with an N, something that is not perhaps readily apparent right now but we will reap the rewards some day from our sacrifice.

      Does that help? I think it would be better for you to start thinking about how you are going to get away from him, but if you are determined to stay, I've tried to supply you with a little bit of encouragement, a few tips to help you keep your sanity, while you forge ahead with someone who cannot change.

      Delete
  2. I just discovered this blog as well!!! i have been in an on and off relationship with a narcissist for 3 years - we just had a baby 7 months ago-and I cant keep doing this to myself or my child. I finally made the decision last night that im better off alone than being used by him (I.e. I pay for most bills and he doesn't ever help with chores) -im tired of feeling like crap when I used to be a badass-when he is around I feel like a ghost-and that I'm fading away..... how do I get out of this! I just made an appointment with a counselor but of course I'm scared of the repercussions he will throw at me when I finally break it off... any advice or know anyone who successfully left a narcissist when u have a baby together?

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    1. I was married to a N for 7 years, I had 3 children with him. He does use the kids as pawns and it was a hard transition to get away from him. He still flares up drama in our lives from time to time just to remind me who's in control. Best thing is to not let him see you react. You can curse him in private but if he sees you react and that he's gotten to you then he knows he can feed off that and it will make him feel powerful. When I first left my N he didn't want anything to do with the kids. I should have taken that opportunity to keep my kids out of that for good, But I felt the kids needed their father so I pushed him to stay involved. If yours by some stroke of luck doesn't want anything to do with your baby take it as a blessing of freedom and run far away. You and your baby will be much happier in the long run.

      If you get stuck dealing with him the rest of your life, don't count on any child support and don't count on him being reasonable. If you get support count it as a bonus but never expect it to be a regular thing this way of thinking will ease a lot of stress. He may play games with the kids and you and try to convince everyone you are not a good mother so that he can look better. you must not feed into this behavior trust that others will make their judgements off how they see you mother and not off what he says. Make as little contact with him at all possible if he knows there is something in your life he can ruin he most likely will stay guarded in what you say to him and in what you believe when he speaks to you. I wish I could remember everything and every situation. I have now dealt with my Ex for 5 years and it's not always peaceful but I've learned these tactics do help make it bearable. And get a support system he will make you feel alone and like you're helpless against him.

      Delete
    2. Thank you, Anonymous! That is very good advice for someone who is unfortunate to have had children with an N.

      My husband, the N, had children with his first wife (I was his fourth). He ran away and left her with no money, power shut off, little food in the house, about to be evicted... and she was actually lucky because he was out of their lives.

      His best friend stepped in and took care of his family. His story to me was that she was having an affair with him, and that's why he left. I was told both stories and I believed him!! Because I was so in love with him I couldn't believe he could be that despicable.

      I was to find out the hard way how foolish I was to believe him. That was just one of about 100 serious lies he told. We never had children, too old, I'm so grateful for that.

      If Hoops is lucky, he'll just leave her alone and fade away....

      Delete
  3. Hi Hoops,

    I'm hoping someone will chime in with advice for you. Your situation is very different from mine but I have heard from people in your situation so I will try....

    It depends on what type of N your boyfriend is. Some are happy to let you go so they can move on to someone "fresher". Others may be possessive or violent if you try to get him out of your life.

    It's much harder when you have a baby together. It's unlikely that he's really attached to the child as these people don't really love anyone, but he may enjoy using the baby as a pawn to keep you closer or to hurt you or punish you.

    You are smart to want to get away....I know from too much experience that they don't get any better, only worse and then much worse.

    Anyone have any advice for Hoops?

    Good luck, dear girl, and keep us posted. You are strong, we all are and you will get through this.

    And, make sure you get as much child support as you can wring out of him. You'll probably have to go through the child protective services agency of your state, very unlikely he will pay willingly but you deserve it and you will need it.

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  4. I, too, married a narcissist. We have been in a relationship for ten years, married just one. The fact that I have found this blog says enough. It's been a recent discovery being able to name this personality disorder. I thought I was alone in my situation. I feel relieved knowing this is a mental condition. My husband is successful in his career. This is no doubt related to NPD. Our courtship was a whirlwind. But I've discovered this is typical. I am outspoken & strong willed. Hence, the reason I avoided marriage for so many years. It really boiled down to financial stability for myself and my children. My husband provides well for our family; private schools, foreign cars, designer bags, vacation homes, etc... I used to think he provided these things for us because of love. I, myself, have never cared much about labels. I just wanted to go grocery shopping without fear of over drafting my bank account. Recently, I'm thinking these items are just part of the package he wants presented to the world. Maybe I'm just a cog who fit the hole he was trying to fill. After several weeks of searching, I've (unprofessionally) diagnosed my husband as NPD. Lack of empathy, grandiose ideas of himself, etc.. Honestly, I'm just relieved that there are others out there. My own personality refuses to be permeated with poison. It's a defense mechanism I developed long ago. I'm able to go into my own "bubble". I maintain my hobbies & my friendships. This is paramount to my survival. I'm not ready to give up on my marriage, but wonder if my bubble will be my savior or downfall. It's no fun feeling lonely :/

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    1. Hi Anonymous,

      It does help tremendously having a "diagnosis". It is difficult to get a "real" diagnosis but you know, that's what counts.

      It is possible to live your life with him and learn to adjust your thinking about what to expect from him and to make your own happiness.

      If he is a good provider (mine wasn't!!) and he likes to parade his family to the world to prove what a "great guy" he is, then go ahead and play along.

      It's lonely, yes, but you have children and I suspect a slew of hobbies and outside interests that will keep you sane.

      Gobble up all the information you can find about NPD. And know that you are definitely not alone!

      Delete
  5. Hi guys,

    I ‘empathise’ with your experience of what most countries ‘deliberately’ lets out of the asylum, calling it ‘care in the community,’ in Britain, ‘without’ telling the community what they’re letting out.

    The big clue is, they let them out of the ‘lunatic’ asylum. They were in there because they behave in a manner which they have to ‘mask’ by conning you into thinking they’re ‘human,’ when you ‘can’t’ be human ‘and’ behave like an animal towards a human.

    Unfortunately, I’m limited to what I can say, as I may ‘inadvertently’ offend someone or the site~owner, so I’ll limit what I’d LOVE to tell you, to the anecdotal level, rather than the bigger picture and the ‘harrowing’ facts behind the increase in anti~human agents, hell~bent on what can only be described as evil.

    Suffice to say, my ‘contribution,’ out of ‘everything’ I could impart, will simply be 1 aspect for you to consider, I’ll ‘preface’ it with the following neuro~anatomical insight; The ‘ventral tegmental’ reward~center is what ‘they’ live for.

    I.e. Without sufficient function in the prefrontal~cortex or the frontal lobes, {often due to a disconnect along the uncinate fasciculus,} the under~developed ‘amygdala’ remains in as primitive a state as you’d find in a 9 month old baby. Which lies behind a hippocampus, which becomes atrophied over time, due to the narcissist ‘failing’ to use it as they ‘should.’ {I.e. The wind changes and they ‘stay’ that way.}

    Furthermore, as was discovered by the leading light on the subject, Erol, they have a ‘limited’ range of general memory cells, which produce your ‘ration’ of fate. They instead have a few ‘specific’ memory cells, which fail to ‘store’ any depth of emotion with ‘memory.’

    Furthermore, they have ‘no feeling’ in their body for ‘you’ and are ‘unguided’ by memories they recall, coldly, like pictures, where the emotional component is ‘scattered’ across the grey~matter they have little access to.

    All of which leads to it not maturing and instead the ‘superficial’ mutant, in human ‘form,’ matures into a ‘cerebral’ sex~offender, who idealises finding a willing ‘victim,’ for the ‘coward’ to then become a ‘somatic’ sex~offender, in it’s hellish and unenviable, onnanist fantasy~world.

    I could go on and on, but Erol’s the leading light on the subject and he’s got TONNES of comedy~videos about them and great posts. They’re HARD HITTING, so if you’re easily offended and ‘side’ with the ‘villains’ he selflessly profiles, then I wouldn’t recommend his sites.

    E.g. I know ‘I’ was offended the 1st time I read his deconstruction of feminism, I THANK him endlessly for that now, due to ‘why’ it was invented and promoted and the less spoken about ‘end result,’ which Erin Pizzey ‘exposes.’

    I’ll end with my humble ‘appreciation’ {something they’re ‘incapable’ of ‘meaning,’} of those who’ve survived or ‘overcome’ the existentially~envious vermin who targeted their life for an extended ‘smash and grab’ crime, against humanity, which they repeated ‘due’ to your HUMANITY, which they see as vulnerability.

    They see kindness as weakness and daftness, which they RELY on, as the imbecile see your ‘compassion’ as being your Achilles heel, when they’ve got an Achilles soul *!*

    For my further insights, feel free to check out my site:~

    http://Cherylplumlee83.wordpress.com

    For HARD HITTING insights, on the GLOBAL level and ‘intricate’ pathological level of the nefarious nit~wits, then here’s Erols’ site:~

    http://Christlikebe.wordpress.com

    Here’s hoping Caroline’s site goes from strength to strength, as I ‘see’ she has the correct level of disdain for narcissistic psychopaths, as do many of her supporters. Suffice to say, ‘they’ ALWAYS know right from wrong. They’re sex~offenders.

    p.s. If you want to cut straight to the funnies, here’s Erol’s comedy channel:~

    http://Youtube.com/ErolOnPsychopaths

    Ciao,
    Cheryl

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  6. Hi Cheryl!

    Awesome insight! When I have more time, I will delve more deeply into all the links you gave us. I did check out your blog but haven't had time to do it justice.

    Interesting....one of the main things I want to address is my book is the narcissist's BRAIN, which I am convinced is most definitely not "normal" and in dissection, will display abnormalities like that of any psychopath.

    There's no doubt in my mind, in fact, but I need to find proof, scientific proof.

    I've been begging my ex to donate his body to science so that his brain can be studied. Seriously! Alas, he ignores me.

    If I can ever get enough time to even begin to write (I work more than is humanly possible and have many, many irons in the fire), I will want to talk with you, because it seems you are well versed in the science behind my theories.

    Thank you for your contribution and we will be in touch! You are certainly outspoken!.....t:)

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  7. Hi ,
    Funny I have found this blog , I think I have bit the na on the head. Been with my husband 13 years , 3 children I blame myself for where I am , should of needed 12 months into our relationship , but he somehow turned the charm and weaves his way back ! I no longer can deal with the disgusting language and insults , it's seems to be a viscous circle , but when things a re good there greAt , but at the moment their bad , insults infront of children I'm too scared to say anything , being called f$@ken c$@t and mole , it's humiliating :) I'm sad and sometimes I wish he would hit me and leave a mark so it would be easier to leave him ! I feel sorry for him he does not have many friends nor does he have a good relationship with his family , I don't want my chdren growing up thinking this is okay , I feel like I'm to blame and think maybe it is me , but I know what his doing is wrong but can't bring my head around it , financially we are fine I could do it on my own but I feel for my children and I don't want them to blame me for my family separating , they love their dad very much . Feeling sad :(

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    1. Hi Anonymous,

      Believe me, I understand. After one month, ONE month!!, I was considering an annulment but I didn't do it. I would have saved myself so much grief if I had. But I was SO in love with him and was confident that the power of my love would fix things.

      It's a very tough decision to leave your husband and only you can make it.

      One thing I know for sure is that he won't get better, he will only get worse. Eventually you probably will leave him and wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

      Some women stay until the children are older. You can talk adult language to your children and tell them that Daddy is not totally well, he loves us but he doesn't know how to show it, doesn't know how to behave properly. Stuff like that. Assure them that there is nothing wrong with them, or with you (even though you doubt yourself at times, we all do--it's HIM, not you!)

      You can do it either way, you are very strong in your mind, even though you waver at times, thinking you are doing something wrong.

      Hold your head high. You are amazing, we all are. It's weird, the women I talk to are really amazing! The strength, the character, the ability to hold it together....never fails to astonish me.

      You are not alone in your suffering and you will make the right decision and you will get through this.

      Delete
  8. Hi! I recently googled selfish spouse but it wasn't a fit until I came upon a narcissist website and I immediately could relate. I have been married for 15 years with a 7 yr old. I will never forget the night I found out I was pregnant when I told him he responded "so is this your way of keeping me around?" Wow! It never got better and now I am not even attracted to him. After giving birth all he talked about was his job and how he got me into a private room. When the hospital offered me a candlelit dinner for us he remarked" no offense but I don't like hospital food" so my newborn son and I had dinner together.
    Now 7 years later I go to all of my sons events by myself sometimes even family events. He constantly says how I am at fault, how he cleans so much better, how he is a great guitar player who is going to win a grammy. Mind you it has been 25 years and nothing has come of this. He blames me when I confront him about never doing anything with his music and says it was my fault and I should be behind him. He grooms himself constantly.
    I have not been interested in sex because it is always what he wants. He remarks at how inadequate I am at performing certain sexual acts then complains that he does not get enough sex. He said "No one as good looking as me walks around this sexually frustrated!"
    I pay for everything...all of the bills...He hates that he is dependent on me and lets me know it everyday. He is never appreciative of all the help I have given him. He just comments that one day he is going to make millions on his music.
    I can't take it...I am lonely, defeated, unappreciated, ridiculed and fet up. I believe I married a narcissist...do you think so!? I need help!

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    1. Hi Deb,

      I still remember the excitement I felt when I discovered a "diagnosis" for my husband. I thought that now that I knew what was wrong with "us", I would be able to fix it.

      It didn't take long for the excitement to turn to despair as I learned, the hard way, there was no fixing anything. I tried to change the way I reacted to things he did, which helped.

      But ultimately he was destroying us in every way imaginable and luckily, he eventually ran off to escape the mess he had made with others besides me.

      Since you are supporting your rat, he will never run off, he will only get more bitter at what a failure he is and will take it out on you in worse and worse ways.

      Kick the bum out!!! OK, easier said than done and do be very careful as he may become dangerous if he knows he is about to lose his lifeline.

      You can continue as you are but things will not get better, they will only get worse. And I feel your pain! It's hard to let go, especially since you have so much invested in him.

      But, I know he will just continue to suck you dry of everything you've got. It seems hopeless now and you've been made to feel like you are lacking somehow but you are not!!! You are amazing in what you have accomplished by yourself.

      Don't forget that. You will find a way to disentangle yourself from him, one step at a time.

      And let us know how you are doing.........toree

      Delete
  9. Thank you so much! Your words were so nice to hear! Very inspiring and insightful! My son thinks the world of his dad.... But what is reassuring is that I can survive without him and take care of my son and be self sufficient! That is what keeps me going... I have unlocked his mystery and now I have the key... He knows something is different but cannot place it... I like that! I don't know what move I will make. I am fortunate to have a move to make and for that I thank the heavens above and for people like you who are willing to help people like me!

    I am trying to focus inward on myself and my son (who always comes first) now that I know what I am dealing with... It is so unfortunate because he is missing out on so much joy!

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  10. Hi Deb,

    It sounds like you are planning on staying with him, and there is nothing wrong with that. Now that you know what you are dealing with, you can change your expectations accordingly.

    And harden yourself against his criticisms.

    You can do this! Yes, your son thinks he is a king. At some point, I think, you will want to begin talking to him (gently, and without putting down your husband) about narcissistic personality disorder and what it means. Because eventually, your husband's faults may begin to impact your son and you will want to minimize that--explain it, help him cope with it, help him understand it--all without making your husband out to be the bad guy.

    Which he isn't, in a way. I am really becoming to believe that these guys are mentally ill. I'm certain there is something wrong in their brains which causes this toxic behavior. It's something innate--they can't even help it.

    And, the brain continues to deteriorate so that the behavior worsens as they age. That's my theory at this point. And I plan to do more research before writing the book.

    I salute you. I can tell that you can do this. You are strong and now you have knowledge. I don't doubt that he can tell there is a difference in the way you view him! Keep him on his toes!.............toree

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    1. I now know what I am dealing with... My husband is a misogynist. Not sure where to go from here but I have listed all of the characteristic traits he does. Do any of these characteristics sound familiar?


       Extremely possessive, always wanting to know where you are; who you’re with.
       Obsessively jealous, even of your women friends.
       Can’t stand criticism; always on the defense.
       A product of a dysfunctional family.
       Had a poor relationship with his
      mother. He had an abusive or
      passive father.
       Has a distorted view of reality.
       Uncomfortable with feelings;
      contemptuous of other’s
      weaknesses.
       Has problems with authority
      figures.
       If you share a secret with him it
      may be used against you.
       Threats of withdrawal if you don’t comply, “If you really loved me, you would...”
       Makes fun of you, calls you names and inflicts little digs; hostile humor.
       You feel awkward and incompetent
      around him; controlled.
       Embarrasses you in public or
      flatters you then cuts you down
      when alone.
       Is nasty behind the wheel and feels
      that others’ mistakes are directed
      toward him.
       Wants or demands undivided
      attention; you are to be available
      when he wants you.
       Cruelty may be directed toward
      animals
       Has a dual personality
      (Jekyll/Hyde).
       Has grandiose behavior; is cocky,
      controlling, self-centered.
       Is preoccupied with sex and is
      sexually controlling.
       Is competitive; must always win;
      his way or no way at all.
       he twists facts to
      make it look as if he were the
      victim.
       Has extreme mood swings
       Takes no responsibility for anything; blames others/things/circumstances for his behavior.
       Is nice to others, but treats you badly; shows no respect.
       always borrowing, never pays back.
       Makes jokes and puts women
      down in front of you then ridicules
      you for being upset.
       Encourages pity from others;
      convinces you to feel sorry for him
      for all he’s had to endure.
       Constantly cuts down your family
      and friends; isolates you. You
      must account for your time.
       Very impatient and when he gets
      angry will destroy property; usually
      yours.
       Overly sensitive and sulks when he
      doesn’t get his way.

      Delete
  11. Please read "men who hate women and the women who love them" great book! Its helping me!

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  12. Hello Toree
    Need to mention to the audience: its impossible to have a sustained relationship with a Narcissist because the relationship is with the illusion, The Hugo Ego, it is child like,and to the N the partner is just another 'toy' to play with for amusement, not mature it was never real, it was all a manipulative game, and to quote: 'You've changed' well, obviously, the partner realized what he really was...
    So glad I'm free and consider myself lucky after 4 years, it cost me financially and I could have lost my house.
    I was expected to become the 'revolving line of Credit'..
    So to all you N Victims, see the llight, run while you can, the N wont give a shit and you need to save youre sanity...
    Dont love them more to save them, save your dignity and run as fast as you can, they will have began to plan their next victim and be discarding you by now.
    You will recover, almost from when you leave, surround yourself with good people and feel the emotion, and repair your damaged self-esteem.
    And in the future you will thank the universe for one of the biggest learning experiences of your life.
    You will grow and change.
    I am narcissist free and look forward to a loving and prosperous future.
    Good Luck and Cheers Kaylene
    One day thank the universe for the biggest lessons you've learnt.

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  13. Thank you, Kaylene. You said it perfectly!
    Here's another description of an NPD, which is also perfect:
    http://www.narcissism.com.au/Beyond_Narcissism.html

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  14. For the interest of others, here is a summary of my situaton, all of the 'hallmark' signs were displayed all the way through.
    Wanted money from me all the way through, his passion cost lots of money to maintain, (wont mention for reasons), always indicating 'I should pay for various itmes' with sporting passion,never appreciating what I, bought, made, supplied or contributed to passion, all behind the scenes, away from others these things were said. He was caught in teenage phase, not mature in lots of ways, hence the progresson of situation 'His Way'... he was sneaky, secretive, and a bit sly and almost paranoid at times.

    But ongoing is the Passion / Interest that I named!!!! Some consolation.
    Most hurtful has been lack of acknowledgment of my contribution to sharing his life, interest, and its 'like': Did it mean anything?
    There was no converstion ending, but have to say a lot of talk was had leading up to last day re: Parting, even indicated 1 month earler he had looked at Dating Websites!!!
    On last day he cockily hid behind the 'Voice' 2nd supply / shared passion (like they were 'together'), stated: They want to campaign a major race, and Yes to cost money (I would be Medico).
    That was the 'nail in the coffin' for me, and situation ended that day.
    Please beware the Classic Stages were displayed all the way through often overlapping when things 'Not his Way'.

    Stage 1
    Dan Juan / Pedastal

    Stage 2
    Exploit / DeValue

    Stage 3
    Hearless / Discard

    Then finally: Gutless all the way through and literally 'Sever' and become The Journey Man and move to next situation.

    These Processes were clearly displayed all the way through... Hindsight wonderful.
    On one occasion when I suggested he may have N, he quoted, 'Dont tell people anything, 'let them find out for themselves'.
    And that certainly does happen when one gets to know someone, a partner more so, as friends / acquaintances are not of the 'intimate circle'.
    The CoDependancy is well and truely recognised by myself, have fully analylised the situaion and my part and now understand the lessons I have learnt from this experience and thank the universe.
    These are hearltess men they are not wired the same and also they do not perspire..
    The Exploitaton is very subtle, do the sums early, and separate the heart from the head. Trust your feelings...
    You will already know your 'relationship' is Not Right that is why you are reading these blogs.
    Do yourself a favour, and leave, 'the stuff' will be sorted and you will begin to heal your damaged self esteem, this is crucial for your future well being.
    Will finish now and the blog above is mine as well.
    Thanks
    Kaylene


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  15. Interesting, Kaylene. One thing I'm picking out is "they do not perspire". Thinking back, he didn't really. Did you mean that in a literal or figurative way? Just curious. And others, please weigh in....

    Does your man sweat?

    I know an N can lie with complete innocence (could pass a lie detector test) because they believe their own lies. So you may mean, they lie without breaking a sweat.

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  16. Literally.... I read in some literature a while ago stating this fact and explained the physiology of the body chemistry, I am aware of the fact of lying so innocently so as not to perspire.
    They dont raise body heat, and the cooling system is quelled.

    ReplyDelete